Hers to Bear
by NickandLiv
Summary: Amanda is put through the worst ordeal of her life. Will she lean on her friends to help her through it? Rated M for subject matter.
1. A Night Out

**I DECIDED TO EXPLORE WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN IF ROLLINS WERE TAKEN DOWN AN UNEXPECTED PATH. THIS STORY DEALS WITH SEXUAL ASSAULT SO IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT SORT OF THING, PLEASE DON'T READ. THERE ISN'T MUCH MORE THAT NEEDS TO BE SAID EXCEPT MAYBE THAT DICK WOLF OWNS THE SVU CHARACTERS, OTHERS ARE OF MY OWN CREATION.**

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**AMANDA'S APARTMENT FRIDAY NIGHT.**

I was so glad to have the night off from work; if I had to spend even one more minute around those people, I was seriously gonna lose my shit! Don't get me wrong, I love my squad but the case we'd been working had us practically living in the precinct this whole week and we all needed time away from one another. I was exhausted and looking forward to going home and sleeping tonight and tomorrow away; already having decided that I would kill myself if Olivia called me in.

I was just getting comfy on my couch with a pizza when the phone rang. At first, I froze thinking that it might be work but was relieved to see that it was just Sara.

"Hey girlie!" I answered, while eating a slice. She was all excited about some party she'd gotten an invite to and wanted me to come.

"Sara, I don't have the energy for this."

"Come on Amanda, you know I hate going to those things by myself."

"I'm so damn tired, but a party does sound nice…"

"So let's go bitch! I could meet my future husband tonight and you wouldn't wanna stand in the way of true love would you?"

"Sara –"

"Amandaaaa!"

"Alright! Fine! I'll go! But when I'm ready to leave, I leave with or without you!"

"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes!" She hung up before I could change my mind. Sara was a typical, care-free party girl and always managed to convince me to come along for the ride even when I wasn't in the mood, but since we usually ended up having a great time, I was always glad that I came along. For some reason, as I made my way to that particular party, my inner voice told me that I shouldn't go to but I ignored it because I needed to have some fun. It started speaking to me again when we got to the penthouse, but I told it to hush! I had no idea how the hell Sara always managed to get invited to these parties. These were high-end people and the two of us were pretty low-grade in comparison, yet still, she managed to work her way onto the lists. As we entered, I prepared myself for the usual parade of jerks that always marched at parties like this but I also prepared myself for some fun.

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**PENTHOUSE APARTMENT, LOWER MANHATTAN**

25 minutes in, Sara had disappeared and jerk number one approached me by the pool table – Kip Van Something-or-other. Cheesy smile? Check! Lame pickup line? Check! Way too aggressive, liquor on his breath and couldn't keep his hands to himself? Check, check and check! Needless to say he found himself dismissed before he even got my name. Jerk number two, Chad Cartwright, began chatting me up as I sat alone in a corner armchair, my feet hurting from dancing so much and thinking about my nice, comfy bed. I was truly exhausted now and he was going on and on about being captain of blah, blah team of whatever university he had attended, his future in something or other, summers at the vineyard and blah, blah, blah! Listening (or lack thereof) to him, all I could think was how he had to be _the_ whitest guy in America and how soon I could leave this party and go to sleep! I mean, with all the men in this place, how did I manage to get singled out by all the losers?

"…so the patch of white hair is actually our family birthmark, can you believe it? I mean sure, it eventually fades, but every one of us is born with it." I cracked a smile to feign interest.

"I'm gonna go grab a beer." I didn't even want a beer; I just wanted to get away from him.

"Allow me. Hey Dean, get the lady a beer." Dean. Jerk number three. He was just a few feet away from us dancing like a maniac all by himself.

"Sure thing!" was all he said before he disappeared. Chad turned his attention back to me.

"You know, I've never been into chicks with small tits, but you are _hot_!" _was that supposed to be a compliment? _I thought to myself

"Thanks?"

Dean reappeared with my beer. If I hadn't been so tired, I would have been more alert and read more into the subtle exchanges between he and Chad; the wink, the sly smile, the slight head nod – something was about to go very wrong and I never saw it coming because tonight I was exhausted and my only focus was on leaving. I thanked Dean and sat the beer on the small table beside my chair and sent Sara a text – one that she wouldn't see until tomorrow because I was quite sure that she was somewhere with some guys' tongue - or other appendage down her throat at this very moment. I told her that I was leaving.

"Thanks for the chat but I'm gonna go." I dropped my phone into my purse and stood up.

"Come on, you haven't even touched your beer." Chad pointed out. I flashed an annoyed smile before taking the bottle from the table and taking a hearty gulp. It crossed my mind at that moment that Dean reminded me of someone but I couldn't recall who and then I needed to pee.

"Where's the bathroom?"

"There's one down here but it's occupied." Dean answered way too quickly.

"There's one upstairs, I'll show you." Chad volunteered. "Right this way!" And he escorted me up the stairs to the second floor. A couple of minutes later I was at the sink having just washed my hands when suddenly, I felt dizzy. I quickly took a seat on the edge of the bathtub and took a deep breath. Feeling after a moment that it had passed, I got up and grabbed my purse and left the bathroom. When I walked into the hall, I was surprised and annoyed to see Chad still standing there.

"You really didn't need to wait for me."

"I wanted to." He said as he approached me, getting entirely too close. I suddenly felt so warm, tired.

"Is it hot in here?"

"You certainly are!" _Does he ever quit with the lame lines?_ I turned to walk away but the dizziness came back, causing me to lose my balance and I started to fall but Chad caught me."

"I don't feel good!" I'd been drugged, I knew it. How could I have been so stupid to drink from an open bottle at a party? I'm a cop for Christ's sake, I know better.

"Come, we'll go to my room where it's quiet."

"No, I need to go home." I tried walking away but he pulled me back to him.

"I have a nice, big bed in there, you can lie down and I'll make sure no one bothers you." At that point my energy was rapidly depleting and I was so dizzy, so when he put his arm around my waist and led me into his bedroom, I just let him; I was quickly losing my ability to think straight.

We entered the bedroom and he took me over to the bed where I sat down, bent over with my head between my legs, dropping my purse. My head was spinning, the room was spinning and I felt sick to my stomach. "What was in that bottle?" my breathing was getting heavier and I was so hot.

"Beer." I couldn't think.

"I need my phone… I have to, to call somebody…"

"Anything you want, baby" I heard him say. I felt like I was burning up

"Why is it so hot in here?" I cried.

"It's okay. Let's take this off and cool you down a bit" he said as he began to pull my dress off over my head. Here I was in my bra and panties in front of a complete stranger and I was too out of it to care and I couldn't understand why he had begun removing his clothes.

"Here, lie back and close your eyes. You'll feel much better!" he said while he pushed me down onto my back. I didn't have the energy to stop him. Suddenly he was hovering over me, caressing my face.

"What are you doing?" I asked through labored breath.

"Shhhhhhh!" he said with his finger to my lips. "Just relax. I'm gonna make you feel so good!" In an instant his mouth was on mine, his tongue sliding between my lips and then he put his hand inside my panties and began to rub me there.

"No! No, I need to call Olivia" I protested as I tried to push him off me, but I was too drained and I couldn't do it but I knew that I was in trouble.

"Olivia can join us later, right now why don't you just enjoy it?" He said and started to slide my panties down away from my hips. I quickly grabbed on to them.

"No!" I cried. He just smiled, though obviously perturbed and gently pulled my hands away.

"Look, we both know that you want it, so stop your shit!"

"I need to go!" I was scared now and I tried to get up, but Chad quickly pushed me back down and climbed on top of me. That's when I noticed that he was completely naked. "What are you doing? Get off of me!" I struggled against him as he kissed me hard, his hands roaming my body, _God, why won't the room stop spinning?_ I squeezed my eyes shut as I tried again to push him off. I was desperate now and scared; I could not let this happen! With the last bit of strength that I could summon I pushed him hard enough away from me that he fell off the side of the bed. I pulled myself up and attempted, in my altered state of lucidity to run but, as soon as I took a step I stumbled. He had gotten to his feet by then and grabbed me by the arm. I tried fighting him but only managed to rake my nails across his face, drawing blood.

"You bitch!" he screamed as he balled his fist, ready to punch me but instead he threw me hard back onto the bed and in a second he was on me. I struck out at him several times before he grabbed me by the throat, cutting off my air…

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**Things get worse in the next chapter, I can't stress that enough for those of you who may be sensitive or triggered by it. It's not extremely graphic but it's heavy matter nonetheless so please exercise caution. If you guys want to see more, you know what to do. Feedback is always welcome. Thanks for reading.**


	2. Helplessness

**I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO EXPRESS HOW HARD THIS WAS FOR ME TO WRITE; IN ADDITION TO PERSONAL REASONS, I COULDN'T HELP THINKING THAT I HAD TAKEN ON TOO MUCH IN ATTEMPTING THIS STORY AND THAT I WOULDN'T DO IT JUSTICE. STILL, I GAVE IT A GO AND I HOPE THAT YOU ALL APPROVE. ONCE AGAIN, PLEASE DON'T READ THIS IF IT WILL TRIGGER YOU IN ANY WAY. I DON'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT. AGAIN, I WILL NOT BE EXTREMELY GRAPHIC IN WRITING WHAT HAPPENS TO AMANDA BUT IT IS PAINTED PRETTY CLEAR. DICK WOLF OWNS EVERYTHING, EXCEPT FOR WHAT HE DOESN'T. HERE WE GO, CHAPTER TWO.**

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**CHAD'S BEDROOM, CONTINUED...**

"Calm. The fuck. Down!" he ordered. There was ice in his voice as he shook me to punctuate his words. He looked down at me and a sinister smile crept upon his lips before he let go of my neck, leaving me gasping for air. "You're a little wildcat, huh?" and in one quick motion, he grabbed my panties and tore them off. "Let's see how wild you can be!"

"No, please!" I was so out of it that my pleading couldn't resonate how truly frightened I was, but I was unable to scream, I could barely raise my voice above a whisper and before my next thought could register, there was searing pain between my legs as he began pushing himself inside me while biting into my neck. Tears quickly gathered and began flowing freely and I turned my head to look away. My vision had begun to blur but I could make out the cordless phone on the night table and I began desperately reaching for it, thinking to myself _God please, if I could just call Liv! _I stretched my arm as far as I could and managed to grab it.

"Christ! You are one tight little slut!" he said and looked up, noticing the phone in my hand then knocking it away before he pinned my arms down. "Now what do you need that for?" he mocked while smiling down at me.

"Please, don't" I was stopped, unable to speak, hardly able to catch my breath as he tore into me dry with angry thrusts. Somehow, a scream finally managed to escape my throat but Chad quickly covered my mouth with his free hand. The pain was unbelievable and tears flowed down the sides of my face as I struggled against him, trying desperately to get him out of me but it was no use; my hands were pinned, but even if they hadn't been, I was too weak from whatever they'd drugged me with and the weight of his body was too heavy against mine. After a moment I heard the door open and in walked Kip and Dean with a few other guys I didn't recognize.

"My bad, man!" I heard one of them say. Without stopping his assault on me, Chad turned to his friends:

"Lock that door! Let's have some fun!"

The group looked on for a second before Kip locked the bedroom door and he and the rest of them came towards me. My heart felt as if it would beat its way right out of my chest and I bucked beneath Chad as I began to feel hands all over my body. They showed no mercy in their assault; hurting me so bad that I passed out a couple times during, only to come to and find myself still being violated. It must have gone on for hours. The last thing I remember was being sandwiched between two of them before I passed out again!" When I woke up it was 3:04 in the morning according to the bedside clock and I was there in that room, in that bed and completely naked. My mind was so groggy, I felt hung-over; my head hurt, my mouth was dry and my tongue felt swollen but even worse was the pain radiating from between my legs, terrible, terrible pain! My body hurt everywhere and I winced as I slowly dragged myself out of bed. That's when I saw him; Chad had been lying there right beside me, passed out and naked. The very second I laid eyes on him it all came back to me and I stumbled backwards and hit the floor, landing hard on my behind. I cried out, both from the shock of the pain and the realization of what had happened to me in this room.

"Oh, God!" I cried through choking sobs. I noticed my crumpled dress and my purse on the floor near the bed and I quickly grabbed them, slipped my dress on over my head and ran for the door. I didn't care about the excruciating pain I was in, I didn't bother to find my shoes or undergarments, I just ran, tripping over someone who was passed out in the hall. Someone spoke to me but I paid no attention. Once downstairs, I ran out the front door and continued running until I was on the street, blocks away from that building. Only then did I stop to survey my surroundings. I was now struggling to catch my breath and my lungs were burning. I suddenly felt the dizziness come back and leaned against the stop light for support just as sharp pains began shooting through my abdomen and I cried out, doubling over as I did. Three young women walked by, arm-in-arm and stopped when they saw me there.

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"Are you ok?" The taller of the girls asked. I was in too much pain to talk so I simply nodded yes as I looked up at her. Her eyes looked me over before she spoke again.

"You don't look ok. Shea, call the police." She said to her friend. The Asian girl swiftly retrieved her cell phone from her purse and I quickly cried out…

"PLEASE, n-no police! I just n-need to g-go home!" My speech was slower than I meant it to be; my tongue felt heavy and the pain all over my body caused me to stumble over my words. They looked at each other, not sure of what to do.

"At least let me get you a cab, you shouldn't be out here alone in the state you're in." I started to protest by I was overcome by her kindness and I began to weep as I nodded, unable to look her in the eye.

It took about minute for a taxi to come by. It hurt like hell when I got into the back seat and sat down. Once I was settled inside the girl leaned her head into the front of the car to address the driver.

"Take her where she needs to go. Oh, and not saying you're a creep or anything, but I've memorized your face and my friend took a picture of your plate number so she'd better get there safely!" she demanded before taking a one hundred dollar bill from her purse and handing it to him.

"y-you don't have to do that." I protested. She smiled.

"Just get home." She said before squeezing my arm as if wishing me well. I had tears in my eyes and thanked her for her compassion before she walked away with her friends.

"Where to?" the driver asked me. I gave him my address and he began to drive as I undid my seatbelt and lay down across the back seat, no longer able to tolerate sitting.

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**AMANDA'S APARTMENT...**

When I got to my apartment, I bolted the door, sank to the floor and lay there crying as scenes from what happened in that room began to play in my head. I drew my knees up to my chest and that's when I noticed the dried blood and semen along with the stench of urine on my skin and immediately felt sick to my stomach! I ran for the toilet just in time, as soon as I lifted the lid, hot bile was already spewing from my mouth. I vomited until my stomach had no more to give and then I sank back against the wall and continued sobbing for several minutes before I tore off my dress and got into a hot shower where I scrubbed every inch of my body like a madwoman, and when I'd scrubbed myself raw I lay on the floor of the shower and bawled while the scalding water continued to pound against my flesh.

Afterwards, I stood in front of the mirror. There were bite marks and bruises everywhere. I ran my fingers over the hand marks around my neck. One of them, while sodomizing me had choked me repeatedly until I blacked out. I wanted to forget every detail, of what I could remember. I needed to forget! _Seven of them. I think I counted seven; and they all had me. If only I had just stayed home and not answered the phone_… I tormented myself going over and over again everything that I should have done differently, including not having taken that shower. I knew it was the wrong thing to do, I knew that I'd destroyed evidence but it didn't matter. I couldn't report this; if I did, my precinct, my squad would be called in to handle it and Fin, Olivia, Nick… all of the other detectives; everyone would know and they would judge me. I'm a cop; I fell off my game and I let this happen to me; I allowed myself to be violated like I was nothing. _Why didn't I fight harder; scream louder; done something; anything to stop it from happening? Why didn't I do something?_

Later, I lay in my bed in so much pain! It was unrelenting and it got worse every time I moved, even slightly; several times I even picked up the phone but I couldn't bring myself to call anyone. Six-twenty-three AM and still no relief from my agony; I ached terribly and I knew that I something was wrong and that I needed medical attention so I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed.

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**BROOKLYN HOSPITAL**

It was about 7:25 AM when I arrived at the emergency room. I had gone to a Brooklyn hospital so that I wouldn't risk running into any of the staff on future cases. To my amazement, there was only one other person waiting to be seen so I was only there for a fifteen minutes before I was called back to see a Doctor. I was still in an incredible amount of pain and trembling as I lay on the gurney in a fetal position.

"Amanda, I'm Dr. Johnson, I'm the OB/GYN on call today."

"Please" I begged through labored breath "You have to help me!" I said, gripping the bed rails.

"You don't look so good." The young, blonde Doctor observed. "What's going on?" she asked with obvious alarm in her voice.

"I don't know!" I cried. "It hurts so bad!"

"Where does it hurt?"

"Here!" I cried, my hand in between my thighs. "I'm bleeding!"

"Are you pregnant?"

"No! Please, just make it stop!" I begged.

"I'll have a nurse help you change before I examine you. You'll be okay." She assured me as she squeezed my hand before leaving the room. It wasn't a minute before a nurse entered and helped me out of my clothes and into a hospital gown. If the sight of my bruises affected her at all, she didn't let on.

"Is there anything you need?" she asked in a sweet voice that spoke just above a whisper.

"Just the Doctor, please." I replied through my sobs.

The doctor re-entered the room just then. More of my bruises had become visible since I had removed my clothing and she stood, speechless as her eyes looked over my visible skin.

"Ok honey, I'm going to have the nurse stay while I examine you. Depending on the extent of your injuries it may be painful but I'll do my best to be as gentle and efficient as I possibly can."

"Okay." I nodded, tears spilling down my face.

"Amanda. Before we start, I'd like to ask you a few questions if it's alright.

"Okay." I really didn't feel like talking, I just wanted the pain to stop.

"Honey, did someone do this to you?" more tears fell from my eyes and I took a deep, nervous breath before answering.

I was too embarrassed and I couldn't make the tears stop as I looked away from her.

"Were you raped?" I cried out again as pain gripped me, at the same time trying desperately to swallow the sobs that threatened to choke me as a deluge of new tears flooded my eyes. I squeezed them shut causing them to fall in torrents down my face and unable to speak my shame, I simply nodded yes. Doctor Johnson exhaled deep before continuing.

"Can you tell me when it happened?"

"Last night." My tears wouldn't stop.

"Amanda, with your consent I'd like to do a rape kit?"

"No!" I cried. "No, rape kit, no police and you can't report it without my consent!"

"It's okay; I understand that you must be going through hell right now. You feel embarrassed, ashamed and you want it to just go away. But, who knows? Maybe somewhere down the line you'll decide that you want the person who hurt you to answer for what he did." I couldn't believe that I was sitting here being fed the same speech I had said to other victims a hundred times.

"Persons." I corrected bitterly as I wiped my tears only to have new ones take their place.

"There was more than one attacker?"

"There were seven!" I watched as Dr. Johnson's expression went blank.

"Amanda, please just let us…"

"No! I am not consenting to a rape kit, and I don't want anyone to know!" I could feel my disconcertion rising with each second. "Now please, can we not talk about it again?"

I felt vulnerable all over again as the doctor took her place at the end of the table and lifted the sheet above my knees, exposing my shame. I could feel the horror she felt when she saw my mangled genitalia. Those boys had done terrible damage to me, injuries that included first and second-degree vaginal tearing, severe anal fissures and countless other injuries; they'd practically shredded my inner walls. The examination was grueling due to the extent of the damage; the slightest touch made me want to die. The nurse held my hand throughout, comforting me as best she could. When the exam was done, I was given pain medication and had to receive a ton of stitches. I was given antiviral medication in case I had been exposed to HIV, antibiotics that I would have to take for ten days to stave off infection from my injuries and emergency contraception to avoid pregnancy. By the time they were done with me, I had been at the hospital for over eleven hours and I was desperate to go home. The doctors however thought it would be best that I stay overnight but I wouldn't hear of it and discharged myself against their wishes. Before I left I was given the number of a rape crisis counselor, I said I would think about calling and I left. It was still quite difficult to walk, and although the medicine alleviated the pain, it could not help the stiffness that seeped through my entire body.

* * *

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT...**

As soon as I got home, I pulled off my clothes and stood under a hot shower to help with the stiffness but ended up scrubbing my skin again while I cried. After a half hour I was in my pajamas and by eight thirty, I had climbed into bed thoroughly exhausted, drifting into a deep, merciful sleep the moment my head hit the pillow.

It was just after one AM when I woke up screaming, dripping with sweat and trembling. My heart felt as if it would pound its way right out of my chest and I couldn't catch my breath. As I looked, wide-eyed around the room, my mind began to realize that I was at home, in my bed, safe and I began to calm down; they couldn't hurt me. With still shaky hands, I reached over to my bedside table for my glass of water and took a long drink before sitting it down again and looking at the clock. I knew that I would not get back to sleep tonight. I wondered if I would ever really sleep again, any night.

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**There you have it. Things eventually get better for Rollins but there's a lot to go through before it happens. Please let me know what you think, good or bad with a review. I love you guys and thanks for reading. See you next chapter; if you want one.**


	3. Withdrawn

**THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR THE REVIEWS. THIS STORY TAKES A LOT OUT OF ME BUT I'M GLAD THAT YOU ALL LIKE IT AND I CAN'T SAY HOW MUCH YOUR SUPPORT MEANS. HERE IS IS, CHAPTER THREE. DICK WOLF OWNS EVERYTING EXCEPT MY STORY, BUT SINCE THE CHARACTERS ARE HIS… NEVERMIND. ENJOY.**

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**ROLLINS' APARTMENT**

I didn't close my eyes again. Instead, I stayed up the rest of the night trying desperately to erase what happened to me from my mind. I couldn't so I showered. Again, I found myself lying there in the bathtub while I allowed the scalding hot water to pour over my flesh, part of me praying that it would melt the skin away from my body and make me feel clean again – at least on the outside. Inside I would never be clean; I would forever have to live with that. I don't know how long I stayed there like that but by the time I'd gotten out, put on fresh pajamas, taken my antibiotics and made myself some tea, the sun was starting to come up and that's when the dread set in; I had to be to work at eight! _But I can't go to work; not like this. Every inch of me is covered in bite marks and bruises and I can barely walk; they'll ask questions. No, going into work is definitely NOT a good idea._

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**.**

**16****TH**** PRECINCT**

"No, Rollins it's fine. You take a few days and get yourself feeling better." Liv said before hanging up the phone.

"Was that Amanda?" Fin asked, handing Olivia a mug of coffee.

"Uh, yeah, we're gonna be short-handed for a few days, she's out sick. Thanks" she said as she took the mug from his hand and took a long sip; a pensive look about her face as she then placed the mug on her desk.

"You alright Liv?" Fin asked upon noticing.

"Yeah, um just…" she took a deep breath as if to shake off her thoughts. "So for the time being, I'm gonna have you and Amaro pair with Taylor and Jones."

"Dibs on Jones, that woman can work a pair of jeans! Mmm!" Fin declared and left the office, shutting the door behind him. Olivia sat at her desk and allowed her mind to wander back to where it had been; Amanda. She said that she was sick but Olivia could hear something else in her voice and it didn't sound good. She decided right there that she would keep a close eye on her youngest detective. Maybe she was reading into things that weren't there but in her experience, safe was always the best way to go!

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**.**

**ROLLINS' APARTMENT**

I lay across the couch staring the phone in my hand.

_Liv, help me. _Was what I wanted to say the very second I heard her voice on the other end of the phone but I froze, and when I did start to speak I had to fight the urge to completely fall apart. Olivia was that person in everyone's life who they always found comfort in, and when she answered the phone, I realized just how much I wanted - no, needed that comfort right now but I couldn't do it. The words caught in my throat and I choked on them and fought the sob that tried to escape with everything in me, and instead, I just said:

"I… I don't feel well this morning; I could barely get out of bed."

"You don't sound good…"

_Because I'm not! I was raped and my mind keeps replaying it and I want to die! _Was what I should have said but my shame demanded that I keep quiet and I helplessly obeyed. Now here I lay, feeling isolated and wanting to forget that I'm a cop and hunt down every last son of a bitch who put his hands on me that night and shoot their balls off. That thought, oddly comforted me. My living room was now completely drenched in sunlight and I closed my eyes to the warmth on my face and before I knew it I had given in to sleep.

* * *

Later that evening as I lay curled up on my sofa, I wondered if any of them, Chad or his friends ever gave a second thought to what they'd done to me. Did it even cross their minds for a second? Even in passing? Who knows, maybe I wasn't the first and if I was, I knew that I wouldn't be the last.

I was suddenly jarred from my thoughts when there was a knock at my door. I wasn't expecting anyone and hated that I had to pull myself up and limp my way to the door when every inch of my body hurt and movement was agony. I grabbed my sweater and pulled it on as I slowly made my way across the room; being sure to zip I so that my bruises wouldn't be visible to whoever was stopping by unannounced. There was another knock before I could get to the door.

"I'm coming." I called as I reached for the knob and undid the locks to open it. "Liv." She was not who I expected to be there.

"Hey." she smiled. "Is it too late to stop by? I was worried and thought I'd see how you're doing." I was dumbstruck for a moment and just stood there. I hadn't seen a familiar face since that night and it overwhelmed me. "Rollins?"

"Uh, no I... it's fine. Come in." I stammered, stepping aside to allow her to enter. I quickly swatted a tear that had escaped my left eye as I closed the door and was thankful that my back was turned to Olivia so she couldn't see it. I took a deep breath before turning to face her.

"How you feeling?" she asked. Her voice was soft and her concern was evident. This would not be easy.

"I've been better" I replied as I wrapped my arms around myself, feeling more tears sting my eyes. I didn't dare cry them. "I'm sorry, do you wanna sit down? I can get you something to drink…" My throat was still terribly sore and it hurt to talk.

"Thank you but, I'm not staying long. I um, I brought you some soup" she motioned to the bag that she had placed on my kitchen counter.

"Thank you, Liv. You didn't have to; and to come all this way…"

"Don't thank me. Just feel better." She smiled. "I'm gonna get out of here and let you get some sleep."

_I won't sleep_

"You don't have to go."

"I wish I didn't but Brian and I have reservations and I'm gonna be late; if you need anything…"

_I need you to stay_

"I will."

"Ok. Well, goodnight." she said.

_Please don't leave!_

"Goodnight, Liv." She turned and headed out.

"Lock up!" I heard her say just before the door closed. I limped over to it and secured all three locks then leaned against the wall and let my tears go.

* * *

Out in the hall, Olivia stood waiting for the elevator; that gnawing feeling that she had earlier was even worse now that she'd seen Amanda. Something was amiss with the young detective and Olivia knew that it had nothing to do with being sick.

* * *

**Later…**

I had managed to eat a bit of the soup Olivia brought over but I really didn't have an appetite so I refrigerated the rest. I had crawled back underneath the blanket on my couch and lay there, trying not to feel. God, how did victims deal with this shit? I wondered then smirked. I was a victim. I was now just like those women and girls that we helped every day. I lost control and allowed myself to be made a victim.

_You stupid bitch! _I said out loud to myself as I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand; just as the phone rang, startling me out of the emotional hole I was digging myself into. I looked at the display and I saw that it was Sara. I hadn't talked to her since the night of the party and when I saw her number, an immediate feeling of uneasiness came over me. I didn't blame her for what happened but I wasn't sure what to say to her right now. I thought about not picking up but answered anyway on the fifth ring.

"Sara, hey."

"Hey. haven't talked to you since the party so I thought I'd call and see how you're coming along." She sounded chipper. But then again, Sara was always chipper.

"I'm coming along great… I guess." I was a bit confused as to what I was supposed to be _coming along _from…

"Bitch, please, I can't believe you were gonna keep this from me!"

"Keep what from you?" I asked as I sat up.

"I forgot, a lady never kisses and tells."

"Kisses who? Sara, what are you talking about?"

"The party? Jason and Kevin told me how you got turnt the fuck up and let the crew hit; Now that's some impressive slut shit right there; Seven guys?" She laughed, proud of what she considered a noble accomplishment." I didn't think you had it in you; no pun."

"That's because I don't!" I could feel myself becoming agitated.

"Girl, it's nothing to be ashamed of, so you let your inner hoe out, we all have our moments!" She gave a laugh. "Hell, remember that Knicks party we went to last year? I did the whole starting lineup that night, did I even blush?"

"It's not that, it's just – "

"Don't worry ok? No one will know; what happens at those parties stays at those parties. Your secret's safe!" Angry tears were now burning my eyes. I refused to cry them.

"Nice to know. You know, I have a lot to do so I'll catch you later ok?"

"Work, work, work. You off this weekend?"

"No."

"Boooo! Anyway, we'll find time. Love you, bitch!"

I hung up without another word and the tears that I was determined to not cry fell down my cheeks in hot torrents. _First they rape me and now they're spreading lies about it? And to my friend, no less!_ _If Sara could believe what they're saying then everyone else would too! _This, suffice it to say, brought me to a whole new level of stress and I stayed up all night crying wondering if maybe I should just let it all go; how easy it would be to just get my gun and pull the trigger and let this nightmare be over. I needed to get out of this apartment! I felt like hell and was limping but I was going crazy here with just my thoughts. I knew that there would hardly be anyone at the precinct at this time and so I got my gun after all, along with my badge and headed out to go get some work done, help with some case files. At least I could be of help to someone else if I couldn't be help for myself!

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**I have so many ideas about where I wanna take this. I just hope that the story will agree and let me and that you'll all continue reading. I love hearing from you guys so please review and tell me what's on your mind – good or bad. Thanks again for reading.**


	4. Almost

**NO MUCH TO SAY. HERE'S CHAPTER FOUR. I REALLY APPRECIATE THE LOVE YOU GUYS HAVE SHOWN THIS STORY AND I HOPE IT CONTINUES TO MEET YOUR EXPECTATIONS. DICK WOLF OWNS ALL OF THE CHARACTERS EXCEPT FOR THE ONES HE DOESN'T. ENJOY!**

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**SQUAD ROOM OF THE 16****TH**

It was just after 11pm when I limped into the precinct. The place was quiet as usual for this hour and I made my way onto the elevator, feeling nervous as it approached my floor but found myself instantly relieved when I got to the squad room and just as I suspected, it was practically empty. It felt eerie, being here in this place after what had happened to me and right now, I felt like a victim as I walked through the doors only, I wasn't here to report my crime and get help. There would be no one taking my statement or helping me to bring my attackers to justice; just me, here, alone in my dimly-lit squad room, trying to put together pieces for someone else, in hopes of making a difference.

I noticed that the light was on in Olivia's office but I could see through the windows that it was empty; she must have forgotten to turn them off before she left. I sighed before hobbling across the squad room and turning them off, being sure to shut the door when I was done. Then went over to my desk and took from my drawer the case files I had been working on when I was last here a couple of days ago. I had been sitting at my desk all of two minutes when I heard:

"Rollins, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be home."

_Shit!_ I thought as I looked up in time to see Liv approaching my desk. "Liv, I thought you were out with Brian" I said as I shifted in my chair; with my injuries, it was hard to get comfortable.

"I was, but he got called in and I didn't wanna go home so…"

"When I saw your office empty, I just assumed…"

"Yeah, I don't know why they call it morning sickness; I only ever get it at night." I forced a smile and looked down at the files in front of me, suddenly cutting the conversation short. I sat there wondering if maybe this had happened for a reason; if maybe I was supposed to run into Olivia here tonight maybe…"

"Liv?"

"yeah?"

"If I needed to, I can talk to you right? I mean, if…"

"Of course you can. I'd like to think that we're friends" she said. I felt tears sting my eyes as a brief silence hung in the air.

"I just... I mean not that there's anything" I stammered

"I'd also like to think that you know you can trust me" she practically whispered as she kneeled beside me. Her eyes caught mine and I was completely unnerved but I couldn't look away even though it felt like she was staring directly into my soul and seeing everything. Suddenly, I felt her hand touch my shoulder and I flinched and jerked away in such a panic, it caused her to jump as well.

"I'm sorry!" I apologized as she stood. I couldn't stop the tears that quickly flooded my eyes and rolled down my face. "I'm so sorry, I didn't…" I felt like I couldn't breathe.

"Amanda, Amanda it's ok. Look at me." I heard her say softly.

"I'm sorry." I continued to apologize.

"Rollins; come with me." I was so bewildered that I just stared quizzically at her. "It's okay" she assured me as she reached out and put her arm around me. I slowly stood and allowed her to lead me into her office.

* * *

Olivia did not fail to take notice of the fact that Amanda was limping as they walked across the squad room and into her office. She hit the light switch and stepped inside, leading Amanda to the sofa. Olivia watched, paying close attention as the young detective slowly sat down, and noticed the look of discomfort on her face. She went back to shut the door before she went back to Amanda and sat beside her.

* * *

**Amanda's POV**

You wanna talk about what just happened back there?" Olivia asked, her tone wasn't authoritative or condescending

"I don't know what you're talking about." I lied as I looked away, my hand shaking as I wiped the tears from my nose. Olivia got up and grabbed a handful of tissues from her desk, then handed them to me before she rejoined me on the small sofa.

"You kind of freaked out when I touched you."

"I didn't freak out." I denied.

"You can talk to me."

_No, I can't_

"There's nothing to talk about." _Please let it go!_ I begged her in my head.

"Amanda, I know you enough to know that something's wrong. I knew it when you called me this morning. Please; let me help." my tears were threatening to spill again.

"I…I can't!" I said as I got up.

"Amanda, I'm begging you." she pled softly, I paused before sitting back down

"I don't want to talk about it!" my face was wet with tears. "Not yet." Olivia's eyes were now glossy as she kneeled in front of me.

"Amanda please look at me." I raised my eyes to lock with Olivia's. "Has someone hurt you?" before I could answer, it was as though her mind had already answered for me. "Tell me who."

"No, I…"

"It's ok."

"Can we please not talk about it? I just wanna get back to my case files." I said but I didn't make a move to leave and Olivia wasted no time in reading it as me wanting to talk about it in spite of what I said. She was right. I did. I needed to tell someone.

"Someone did hurt you, didn't they?" I took a long pause. What they'd done to me was too terrible to speak, but I had to. I nodded, tears still streaming my face. I could see the reaction in her eyes. Sorrow and hurt for me but also, there was unmistakable anger there. She got up and again sat with me, gently putting her arm around my shoulder. I needed her right now and in that moment, I wanted more than anything to let her in.

"It's alright." She soothed. "Tell me what happened." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, unsure f I could do this but in that very moment, I made up my mind that I would; I steeled myself and turned to face Olivia to begin recounting the events of that night.

"The night that I had off a couple of days ago" I had to take a breath before I could continue.

"Take your time."

"I um; I went to a par…" just then Olivia's office door opened and Fin and Nick noisily entered.

"Hey Sarge, we got our perp, you want us to" Amanda, I thought you was out sick. Fin said when he noticed me. Olivia sighed and rolled her eyes.

"You've gotta be kidding me!" she barked at the two of them as she stood up.

"Sorry Liv." Nick apologized. "Hey Amanda."

"Hey. Um, Liv, I'm gonna go, this was a mistake comin here tonight."

"Amanda wait-"

"No, I'm gonna go home and…" _and what? Shower some more? Maybe scrub the apartment again?_

"Rollins…"

"Goodnight Boss. Goodnight guys." I said as my made my way out of Olivia's office, moving so fast that I stifled a cry from the pain it caused. I got to my desk and quickly gathered my things and was gone!

* * *

**Olivia's office…**

"What the hell was that all about?" Fin wondered.

"Rollins ok?" Nick asked.

"That's what I was trying to find out!" Olivia yelled then ran her hand through her hair as Fin and Nick looked at each other then back at her. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to yell."

"She gonna be alright?" Nick asked.

"I don't know. Next time knock!" She ordered.

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**Short chapter, but it really didn't need more. The next chapter will be much longer, as there will be a lot more to deal with. As always, I'd love to know what you think. So please review, it just takes a second and it inspired me to update faster, lol! Thanks for reading. Love you guys!**


	5. Disturbia

**I JUST WANT TO SAY THANKS FOR CONTINUING TO SUPPORT THIS STORY, THANKS FOR THE LOVE, THANKS FOR THE REVIEWS; FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART, I THANK YOU, YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN AWESOME! I CHANGED THE LAW TO BE ABLE TO FIT THE STORY; YOU'LL KNOW WHEN YOU SEE IT. DICK WOLF OWNS EVERYTHING, I AM BUT A MINION. THANKS AGAIN, ENJOY!**

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**JUST A QUICK NOTE. WHEN YOU SEE WRITING IN _ITALICS_ AMANDA IS NOT SAYING THOSE THINGS,SHE'S THINKING THEM.**

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After having my almost-confession to Olivia thrown completely off track, I got home that night and my feelings of desolation began to set in all over again. I admit, I wasn't dealing with what happened to me, I wasn't ready to face it – I would probably never be ready to face it. During the weeks that followed, the nightmares got worse. Every time I closed my eyes I would relive that night – the pain, the humiliation; I would wake up trembling in a cold sweat. I couldn't eat, I refused to sleep, my mind was a mess and I couldn't focus at work no matter how hard I tried. Suddenly, even getting out of bed every day seemed like the hardest chore in the world!

At work, I'd have to deal with stares and whispers from everyone wondering what was going on with me; I'd lost a lot of weight and had developed huge dark circles under my eyes. Fin and Nick would ask questions occasionally about what was goin on with me, but I'd just wave it off as work stress, which wasn't entirely untrue. Having to deal with this shit up-close and personal on a daily basis after having it happen to me was oftentimes too much and I had a hard time hiding it. Besides, men were easy to throw off, they didn't really want the details anyway. Olivia, on the other hand was a different story altogether. She knew. She never said it outright but I knew that she knew and she tried like hell to drag it out of me but I wouldn't give; I was too drawn in to my pain at this point and couldn't let anyone in, no matter how badly I wanted to or how much I needed to.

...

Two months after my rape, we caught a case that so completely unnerved me, I broke down on the job. A 16 year old girl, along with some of her friends had gotten in to a frat party at Hudson University and she'd gotten separated from her friends. An upper classman took notice of her and she was so flattered at an older man taking interest in her that she didn't notice that he'd spiked her drink and she ended up being gang raped by him and a bunch of his frat brothers. Listening to her telling Liv what she could remember about what happened to her, I was met with flashbacks of my own rape; the events being so similar to hers. I began shaking and chewing my lip, and by the time, we'd taken her statement, I was in tears, I felt sick and desperately needed air. This was all too much and I was having a physical response to it. Remembering that night; what they'd done to me, their hands all over me, the taunting; the pain. Before I knew it I had run out of the room and was emptying my stomach in the bathroom down the hall. There wasn't much there since I hadn't eaten more than a spoonful of anything in weeks. Afterwards as I staggered to the sink, still reeling from everything flooding my mind all at once, my knees gave out and I sank to the floor sobbing; everything was suddenly too much and I didn't care that I was losing it in a public bathroom; I just wanted it to stop!

After a moment, I heard the door open, then close as someone walked in. I looked up to see Olivia standing in front of me, and in that moment, I had never felt smaller or weaker or more pitiful in my life! Nothing fazed this woman; nothing broke her. Nothing could or would ever reduce her to this – thing I'd become sitting here on a bathroom floor, feeling sorry for myself. I began wiping my eyes with my sleeve as she crouched down in front of me; she didn't say anything. Just looked at me for a long moment while I tried unsuccessfully to stop my tears and then finally…

"Come on." She said as she put her arm around my shoulder and helped me to my feet.

"But the case…"

"Already called Fin, he and Nick will handle it, it's ok."

I was far too distraught to ask further questions and simply allowed her to lead me out.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT**

I sat, my knees drawn to my chest on my sofa, just staring off into nothing while my mind wandered back to that night.

"_Why don't we see how much this slut can really take!" Kip said while grabbing a baseball bat from the corner of the room…"_

"Amanda" I was suddenly brought back by Olivia calling my name.

"I'm sorry."

"It's ok" she handed me a mug filled with hot tea and took a seat on the coffee table in front of me.

"Thank you." I took a careful sip from the mug before lowering it, holding it between my palms and letting the warmth seep through me as I stared down at it; wanting to look anywhere but at Olivia.

"Aren't you gonna have any?" I asked, keeping my head down.

"The little one is not very fond of tea these days; or anything for that matter."

"My momma says that the worse you feel, the healthier the baby."

"That's good to know." she was pressing her fingers against her still-flat stomach and slowly blew out a deep breath.

"You ok?"

"Yeah, just a little nauseous"

I took another sip of my tea and began nervously chewing my bottom lip again.

"Liv I, I know that you just want to help…"

"I just wish you'd let me"

"You wouldn't understand."

"Try me" she said softly, looking right at me. "You told me a while back that someone had hurt you but then you completely shut down and these last couple months…"

"I've been fallin apart" I whispered, more to myself than to her as my tears began falling into my tea. I remember how that night, I tried so hard to reach her, I knew that if I could just get her on the phone, she would fix everything and now, here I was, right beside her, just as I had been time and time again over the last two months and I was shutting down again. _God gimme the strength…_

"Amanda" she began and moved from the table onto the couch to sit beside me. "We can go after whoever did this to you, he will answer for what he's done."

_It's too late! I refused evidence collection at the hospital, I showered, I threw out my dress!_

"I don't know what you're talking about, I never said – " I denied as I put my mug down on the table

"You don't have to do this alone." she reminded me.

_It doesn't matter. I don't wanna pursue it, I don't wanna press charges… I just want it to go away!_

"Nothing happened"

"Rape can –" she started, but i quickly cut her off.

"Please don't say that word! I was not… _Raped. I was raped._ That didn't happen to me; there are a lot of ways to be hurt; that did not happen to me"

"Amanda…" she started when her phone went off. She picked it up from the coffee table and read the message. "Shit!" she cursed under her breath.

"It's ok, go."

"Maybe I can –"

"Liv you're the boss now. If you gotta go, you gotta go."I said dryly.

"That's the part I hate! I want you to take some time off; as much as you need"

"I don't need time off."

"Take it anyway. Please. I'll check in on you." she said as she gathered her things. "Don't forget to…"

"Lock the door; I know." I said as she walked out of the apartment.

When would normal come again?

* * *

.

I took off the entire following week from work and I was going crazy with nothing but time on my hands. Time to think about what happened to me, to kick myself for not handling it better, to rethink everything I should have done – no matter what I did, I couldn't escape the thoughts that plagued me night and day. I had gone to a dinner at Olivia and Brian's, only to end up leaving early because I couldn't handle the unspoken inquiries; let alone the spoken ones.

"You're my partner; you know you can come to me with anything, right?" Fin offered, yet again for the 500th time. I know that they were all just concerned but I wasn't ready. So I excused myself and went home to spend another evening alone in my apartment, being haunted by that night.

I went from nearly starving myself to death, to eating everything in sight to assuage my ever-growing anxiety and over the next 2 months, I'd re-gained the weight I'd lost plus ten pounds, which was good, since one I'd begun to look healthier, everyone just assumed that whatever had been bothering me was over – well, Fin and Nick did. Olivia wasn't so easily convinced and never stopped trying to get me to talk to her; or someone. I guess being pregnant made her even more protective. She'd recommended a therapist, an idea that I quickly shunned; where I come from, we don't discuss our problems with shrinks, that's what Jesus is for; though I didn't talk to him much these days either.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT**

By the end of November I began feeling sick; I was throwing up all the time and I had terrible heartburn; I just attributed it to stress. Then one day, out of nowhere, I noticed the changes. I had just gotten out of the shower when the nausea hit and I ran to the toilet just in time to avoid throwing up on the floor. I rinsed my mouth at the sink and when I straightened up, I caught a look at myself in the mirror. My body was different and it wasn't just the weight gain; my breasts were noticeably bigger and my nipples had gotten darker and much larger. My stomach, though still pretty flat, now had a very pronounced roundness to it and my hips looked wider. Then, as if my mind had finally cleared itself of the fog that had been covering it for months, I immediately began wondering when my last period had been. I'd been dealing with so much that I honestly hadn't kept track;I couldn't remember. First, panic set in and then reality. I touched my swollen abdomen with a shaky hand

"Oh God!" I cried asI ran my hand through my still-wet hair. I suddenly felt disoriented and needed to sit down. I lowered the lid on the toilet and took a seat. Why couldn't I catch my breath? "This isn't happening; this is not happening! I took the contraceptive at the hospital, there's no way!"

It took me a half-hour to compose myself enough to run to the pharmacy and buy a pregnancy test. I couldn't get back to my apartment fast enough, heading straight to the bathroom once I did. Those 2 minutes where the longest of my life! Just when I was about to check the result, the damn phone rang! Thinking it might be work, I answered without checking they display.

"Hello?"

"My bitch!"

"Sara I'm kinda busy right now, can I call- "

"You never make time for me anymore! Don't you love me?"

"Girl, I really can't - "

"Guess what?" She wasn't letting go. I sighed as my eyes remained on the test.

"What?"

"I got extensions! Can you believe it?"

"Woo-hoo!" I said with mock enthusiasm.

"I know, right? They look so good, but then everything looks good on me, I_ am_ the hottest bitch breathing!"

"Sara…"

"Jeez Mandy, what's with the bum's rush? Wait, who's home with you?"

"What? Nobody."

"Right slut! Well, I'll let you get back to _nobody_ but just tell me, is he hung?" I was eager to get off the phone and so I caved to the absurdity of this conversation.

"Yes, he's hung! Biggest one I've ever seen; are you happy?"

"I will be after you wear him out and send me a pic of it!"

"I'm hanging up now."

"Whatever, bitch; surfbort!" she laughed.

I shook my head as I hung up the phone. I couldn't believe that I was ever that carefree once upon a time and now here I was, caught in a twisted reality that I couldn't escape. I went back to the bathroom and took a deep breath before reaching for the stick on the counter. I nervously picked it up and turned it over and a positive sign was there, staring right at me, my arms went numb and I remember the loud _tick_ that soundedas the hard plastic stick hit the bathroom tile. I gripped the sink for support as my legs were now giving out on me and I took long, deep breaths as I tried unsuccessfully to avert the panic that was now setting in. "How is this possible? I took emergency contraceptive, the test has to be wrong, it was a mistake! If I'm… then I conceived that night, I got pregnant when they…" Suddenly, my stomach turned, and I gagged and lurched forward, vomiting all over the floor!

* * *

.

**EASTSIDE WOMENS CLINIC**

I knew right away what I needed to do. That very afternoon, I made my way to a clinic to see a doctor. They ran the necessary tests to confirm my pregnancy and the following day I was given the bad news after an ultrasound that I refuse to look at.

"You are pregnant."

For a long moment, I just stared at the doctor in disbelief.

"You're kidding right?" of course she was kidding. She had to be. There was no way that I could be… that I could be… Of course she wasn't kidding, doctors don't kid. They just dole out devastating fucking news that destroys everything in you!

"I want an abortion!" I didn't have to think twice about it. I would not continue this preganacy.

"I'm sorry but that's not an option for you."

"What the hell do you mean _not an option_?" I asked as I sat up.

"You're beyond 12 weeks of pregnancy; you've already entered your second trimester and therefore, cannot be considered for the procedure."

"No, you don't understand; I can't have it! There has to be something you can do!"

"An exception could be made if your health were in danger because of the pregnancy or if the fetus were not viable. But, you are young and strong and your baby looks perfectly healthy. I see no reason to recommend abortion "

"Don't call it that!" _This…thing was conceived from a violent rape and having it would cause me to have a complete mental breakdown! _Was what I wanted to say but something inside still would not allow me to speak my shame. "Please, you have to help me!"

"I'm sorry, but my hands are tied. I can't go against the law, and the law says that without mitigating circumstances, 12 weeks is the limit."

My heart sank. The doctor continued talking to me for quite some time after that but I didn't hear any of it. She gave me pamphlets and pre-natal vitamins. I told her I would call to schedule my next appointment but I had no intention of doing so; I tossed the pamphlets and vitamins into the trash as soon as I got outside. I did not want this and I surely would not waste my time ensuring its' health! If the Doctor wouldn't help me, I had to help myself – somehow.

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**My heart breaks for Amanda! What will she do? And will she ever finally open up about what she's going through? The next chapter… well, you'll just have to read it. Remember, reviews are love, and also encouragement to get things done. Until we meet again, thanks!**


	6. Desperation

**SORRY ABOUT THE WAIT FOR THIS UPDATE. JUST A WARNING, SOME OF AMANDA'S ACTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER MAY BE A BIT UNSETTLING; I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE; JUST HAD TO PUT THAT OUT THERE. THAT BEING SAID, DO TREAD CAREFULLY IF YOU ARE EASILY USPET. DICK WOLF OWNS THE SVU CHARACTERS, THE OTHERS ARE ALL MINE.**

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NO! There was no way that this could be happening to me! I would wake up any minute now to find out that this had been a bad dream, that all of it had been one long, bad dream!

_How? _Was the question I asked myself over and over; how is it possible that I've been pregnant for four months and didn't notice? Had I really been so affected by what those bastards did to me that I missed every sign? Now that I think about it, they were there; the signs were there but I… there is a monster growing inside me – a vile monster that was created from the most perverse act one could suffer. It is feeding and growing inside of me like a deadly cancer, and there is nothing I can do about it. How many times will my body betray me?

I WILL NOT CARRY THIS THING INSIDE ME!

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT…**

I got home and immediately called Sara. If anyone would know of a shady way to fix a problem, it would be her.

"Hey girl!" she answered on the first ring.

"Are you busy?" I asked

"Never for my main bitch! No, you idiot, French tip!" I heard her yell "God, these nail girls are so stupid! So what's up?"

"Um, a case we were working on, the victim ended up getting pregnant. She's young and doesn't have the money to pay for an abortion, so I was wonderin…"

"Say no more. I can't get into detail around these nosy slags… WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LOOKING AT? YES, I SAID IT!" She screamed to someone in the salon. "Bitches!" she sighed "So anyway, tell her to go online and look up vitamin c or parsley for that and just follow directions."

"That works?"

"Do I have 3 fucking brats running around?"

"Uh, no."

"Well there ya go!"

"Thanks, I guess."

"Anything to help, I'm like Mother Theresa out this bitch! Kisses!" she said before she hung up.

I immediately began searching the internet. I found many web pages that swore to the powers of parsley and vitamin C for self-induced miscarriage. One or the other in early pregnancy would do the trick; Sara failed to mention that part. I wasn't technically in early pregnancy and I needed to make sure that it worked so I decided to try both. The websites suggested that I take the vitamin c hourly, up to 6,000mg a day and brew tea with the parsley and drink several cups a day and that I should continue the treatment for no more than three days, this was supposed to force my period and in doing so, cause me to lose the thing inside me. I brewed the tea and added lots of vitamin c to it and drank several cups. The first day I felt nothing but by the beginning of day two I began feeling crampy so I called out sick and decided to continue the treatment, doubling my intake of the tea and taking huge doses of the vitamin c.

By the end of day two the cramps were edging on horrible but there was still no bleeding. I drank more of that awful tea and went to bed. I had a hard time getting to sleep because the cramps were so bad but I finally managed to doze off after an hour or so. Three AM and I was jolted awake by terrible pain. I turned on my side, clutching the pillow and bit down on it. _Oh God, this hurts like hell! _ I lay there in agony for a moment before noticing that I felt wet. I put my hand between my legs and was horrified to see my fingers covered in blood, but at the same time, a feeling of relief washed over me in knowing that it would soon be over, that this thing was leaving my body. I forced myself to stand on shaky legs, partially doubled over from the intense cramping and slowly started towards the bathroom. I hadn't taken two steps before dark, thick streams of blood began to run down my legs. I got to the bathroom, showered and changed. After I cleaned the floor and changed my bed linens, I drank more tea, took more vitamin c and curled up on the sofa with a blanket. I was in an amazing amount of pain but I didn't want to go to the hospital yet so I lay there on the couch in agony. After a couple hours, the pain was too much and I needed to go to the bathroom. I had already completely soaked through the pad I was wearing and needed to change. I took another hot shower – the heat and pressure from the water greatly took the edge off. I put on a fresh pad and fresh pajamas and went back to the couch. I got to lie down for about twenty minutes before the pain again became too much and I got up. I needed to move around.

I shuffled from one room to the next, over and over. When I could take the pain no longer, I swallowed three extra-strength Tylenol and crawled back under my blanket on the sofa. The cramping eased a bit after about 20 minutes, finally allowing me to sleep. Again, a few hours later, I was awakened by the pain but this time it was exponentially worse than what I had experienced earlier. I was drenched in sweat and I could barely catch my breath. I felt as if I needed to throw up but I was in so much pain, I couldn't stand and I literally crawled my way to the bathroom. I must have thrown up three or four times before I dragged myself to the shower and peeled off my now sweat-and-blood-soaked pajamas. I turned on the water as hot as I could stand it and just let it run down my back as I held the shower wall for support. _This will all be over soon._ I told myself as I forcefully straightened up and began scrubbing myself clean. I was drying myself off when I was hit with the very worst of the cramping. I felt like I needed to go to the toilet and as soon as I sat, the first of many large blood clots began to pass. I'm not sure how many there were but once the last one dropped, the pain began to diminish. I breathed a sigh of relief and for the first time since that terrible night, I smiled, thanking God as I took deep, calming breaths, still trembling from the intensity of it all.

I was exhausted and pretty much slept through the remainder of the day. By the following morning, the bleeding had slowed to spotting. I was feeling awfully weak and now that I was sure that it was over, I decided finally to go to the hospital. I got there explaining to the Doctor that I believed I had miscarried. I told her about the terrible cramping and the heavy bleeding, of course leaving out that it was self-induced. The Doctor took blood and I was prepped for a sonogram, hopefully my body had re-absorbed what my uterus hadn't expelled and I wouldn't need a scraping but the sonogram would show what, if anything had been left over. As the Doctor performed the ultrasound, I lay back on the table thinking how I was finally free from this nightmare I had been living. Yes, it would take some time to let go of the memories and hopefully one day be able to talk about it but that would be the easy part. I don't know how I would have been able to live if I had to go through with that pregnancy. It was as if life was playing the very sickest of jokes on me, but that was no longer something I needed to worry about.

* * *

.

**HOSPITAL…**

"Ms. Taylor? Did you hear me?" Doctor Fournier was calling to me. I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn't hear a word she said. Plus she was using the fake name I had given and I still wasn't quite used to it yet.

"I'm sorry, my mind was wandering. Will I need the scraping?"

"Not at all, your baby's ok!" I felt as if my brain had just imploded while at the same time, the wind had been knocked completely out of me!

"My...that's not possible! I told you, I miscarried!"

"I'm sure that the bleeding must have been quite alarming but you didn't lose the baby. It's here and it looks perfectly fine. Would you like to hear the heartbeat?"

"But I bled a terrible amount! There's just no way…"

"Take a look for yourself" the doctor offered as she began turning the monitor around so that I could get a look at the rapists spawn.

"No! I don't need to look at it, I, I just need to go!" I quickly got up from the table, not bothering to wipe the jelly from my stomach and grabbed my clothes from the chair.

"Ms. Taylor, are you alright?" The Doctor was visibly alarmed by my behavior.

"No! I mean, I need to go!" I was shaking and in tears. My mind could neither accept nor understand what had happened here. I quickly stripped off the gown I was wearing and put my clothes on.

"Please, just calm down!"

"I DON'T WANT IT!" I screamed frantically before I got dizzy and had to sit down. "Why can't anyone understand that?" I was now rocking back and forth while I covered my ears with my hands. I didn't notice that the doctor was now kneeling in front of me.

"Denise?"

"Please don't make me do this! Please, you have to help me, I can't do it!"

"I'll help you however I can but, you need to first tell me what's happened." In my mind, I suddenly saw Chad forcing himself inside me. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to block it out as a deluge of new tears fell down my face.

"I'm sorry…I can't!"

"Denise – "

"I shouldn't have come here!" I quickly grabbed my purse and coat and bolted out the door with the doctor running after me.

"Denise please, wait!" I didn't look back. Instead, I ran for the nearest exit and down the stairs. My eyes were so blurry from my tears that I missed the top step and lost my footing. I went tumbling down the entire flight, falling hard and hitting my head on the pipe against the wall at the bottom of the landing. An incredible pain exploded in my head and there was blood pouring from a deep gash where the pipe struck just above my brow. I lay there, wanting to get up but everything was spinning and fading at the same time. Then, as I heard muffled voices coming towards me, everything went black.

...

**AN HOUR LATER…**

I woke up to the light hurting my eyes as I slowly opened them. The first thing I noticed was the pain in my head, then the pain all over the rest of my body. I groaned as I touched my head, feeling a bandage on the right side just above my brow. Suddenly, Dr. Fournier appeared, hovering over me.

"You're awake!"

"Where am I?" I was still very agitated and confused.

"It's alright, you're safe. You're in the hospital. Do you remember what happened?" It took a couple of seconds to gather my thoughts.

"I…fell."

"That's right." She confirmed as she sat in the bedside chair. "You hit your head pretty hard and you have a concussion. You've been unconscious for almost an hour." I paused briefly and took a deep breath before I asked the next question.

"Did I lose it?" The Doctor looked at me with sorrowful eyes and simply shook her head. I turned my head away and shut my eyes, tears falling as I wept silently. Dr. Fournier gently took my hand in hers. There was something so comforting about her. She reminded me so much of my own momma; she had a genuine kindness about her... I wanted my momma so bad right now!

"Denise, I want to help you. Please let me."

"Can you give me an abortion?"

"Denise…"

"Can you give me an abortion?" I asked again.

"No."

"Then you can't help me!" and I turned on my side, away from her. There was a long silence before I heard her footsteps carry her to the door and she left. I took a deep breath and let my tears continue to fall.

* * *

.

**16****TH**** PRECINCT, OLIVIA'S OFFICE. LATE EVENING**

"Goodnight commissioner Reagan" Olivia had replaced the handset to her desk phone back onto the cradle just as there was a knock at the open door and Rollins walked in.

"Amanda, I thought you were sick, feeling better?"

"Not really. I um… you busy?" Amanda asked, not moving from where she stood at the door.

"I was just about to go home, but I'm not in a rush."

"You sure cuz I could…"

"Rollins, it's ok; come in." Amanda nervously looked behind her before she willed her limbs to move and slowly walked in to the office, shutting the door behind her. as she made her way to the sofa, Olivia watched her with bated breath, silently hoping that maybe tonight would be the night that Rollins would finally talk to her and pulled herself up from her chair, the simple act of standing being made more difficult with her ever swelling middle throwing her equilibrium off.

"So what's on your mind?" She asked Amanda as she made her way across the room and sat beside her. Amanda looked over at her commanding officer; after 3 years, Olivia still intimidated the hell out of her, especially now.

_Here I am, falling apart after one bad night, but she survived four days of the worst torture and look at her, strong as ever! _Rollins thought to herself.

"I…wanted to talk – I mean if it's ok that I…" she stammered as Olivia looked over at her knowingly. Amanda looked up into her sympathetic brown eyes and suddenly, her own were overcome with tears and she began sobbing; her petite body shaking. Olivia put her arm around Rollins' to comfort her and took a deep breath, knowing where this was about to lead, having waited months for her young detective to be ready to open up to her. She'd known all along that Rollins had been raped, she'd worked SVU long enough to recognize the signs, but there was nothing she could do to help until Amanda let her in and it had been killing her these last few months to just sit and wait. Right now, she could see that Amanda was at the end of the rope and barely hanging on and she knew that if she had any chance of coaxing the truth out of her, now would be the time.

"I'm listening" she promised. Her tone was soft, comforting."

"Please don't judge me." Amanda cried, her face wet with tears.

"I would never judge you, you know that, don't you?"

She nodded. Of course she did. But it still didn't stop her head from telling her that Olivia would think that she was an idiot for allowing herself to get into such a predicament. This was it, she thought as she wiped her eyes and steeled herself for what she was about to do. She took a deep breath, and with her head hung, and her body trembling as she licked the tears from her lips, she confessed her dark shame with a timid, quavering voice.

"I was raped…"

* * *

.

**Thoughts? Hit the review button and let me hear them. Thanks for continuing to read, see you guys next chapter!**


	7. By Any Means

**A LOT OF YOU ASKED ME AFTER THE LAST CHAPTER TO PLEASE NOT LET AMANDA SO ANYTHING STUPID OR CRAZY AND WHILE I AGREE THAT SHE PROBABLY SHOULDN'T, ROLLINS IS IN A DESPERATE PLACE RIGHT NOW; AND WE ALL KNOW THAT DESPERATE PEOPLE DO EXTREMELY DESPERATE THINGS. THAT BEING SAID, I SHOULD WARN THAT THERE ARE FLASHBACKS TO THE RAPE SO AGAIN, IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE TO IT, SKIP OVER IT. NOT MUCH ELSE TO SAY, DICK OWNS THE CHARACTERS FROM SVU, I OWN THE REST.**

* * *

**.**

**OLIVIA'S OFFICE, CONTINUED…**

"I was in so much pain, I went to the hospital, but I didn't let them collect evidence, I couldn't… I was too shamed to…" Amanda cried so hard that her petite frame shook as she recounted her horror to Olivia who handed her more tissues and took a couple to wipe her own tears; the details of what her youngest charge had suffered were a bit overwhelming.

"I mean, we tell victims all the time… we push hard for the rape kit and I, I couldn't do it." She continued to cry. "I couldn't put what happened to me in a report; I couldn't have my colleagues know, have the NYPD know that I was stupid and couldn't protect myself."

Olivia briefly looked away as she forced herself to inhale; her own feelings of helplessness and shame threatening to overtake her and she quickly pushed them back, the terrible secret she never told anyone about her ordeal with… she pushed it back down and again locked it away in that place where she would never set it free, she then exhaled and turned back to face Amanda.

"You're not stupid."

"Then what do you call it? I showered, I got rid of the dress I was wearing…I did everything wrong. From the minute I agreed to go to that party, I did everything wrong! Maybe I deserved what happened to me." she cried, it hit Olivia like a ton of bricks.

"No one '_deserves_' that!"

"it doesn't matter now"

"It absolutely matters; regardless of what you did or did not do, it matters. "

"I messed up."

"You reacted."

"I woke up in that room and he was there…sleeping beside me like none it meant anything to him."

"Amanda, we can still pursue this."

"No."

"Even without the rape kit, the hospital still documented your injuries, we can get this guy."

"I can't."

"And he just gets away with it?"

"THEY!" Amanda yelled, noticing the look on Olivia's face before she dropped her head into her hands and began sobbing. Olivia put her arm around Amanda's shoulders and she allowed that word to sink in.

"They?" She asked, trying to sound calmer than she felt.

"He um…once he got inside me; his…" she stopped, unable to even look at her superior while she recounted the horror she'd endured.

"It's okay Amanda, it's just us." Olivia softly soothed, feeling Amanda shaking against her.

"His friends w-walked in on us and… he told them to join in and they…I can't do this; I can't…" she sobbed. Olivia was enraged but tried to keep her anger under control because right now, it wasn't what Amanda needed.

"I just… Liv, I'm a complete mess. I don't know how women do this, how they handle it"

"It's a process; you'll get there"

"I won't. They took everything from me. after a while, I thought that maybe I'd learn to be ok but then it all fell apart again and now, I just wanna put my gun in my mouth and- "

"STOP! You are stronger than this!"

"I pretend to be…Liv, I'm not like you; I can't just keep on keepin on when everything's gone wrong and I don't know which way is up anymore" she cried as she swatted a hand at her tears "I need help…but I'm not going after this. Barba would have to know, Nick…Fin! I can't and I need for you to understand; please, there is just too much to deal with right now."

As much as she wanted to collar the pricks who'd hurt Amanda, Olivia did understand her reasoning for not wanting to and knew that right now, respecting what she wanted was paramount to everything else. She'd already been violated in the very worse way and forcing her to face her attackers in addition to a trial when she wasn't ready would do more harm than good.

"I hear you. I hear you, and I support you; whatever you choose, I'll stand by you and I'll make sure you have whatever you need to get through this…you're not alone." She promised. Amanda looked up at her, teary eyed.

"Thank you." Olivia nodded tearfully.

"Come here" Olivia said to Amanda and wrapped her arms around her in a giant hug. "It'll be okay' she promised as Amanda cried on her shoulder. She contemplated in that moment if she should tell Olivia about the pregnancy , I was the main reason she'd come here tonight but now she wasn't wasn't sure if she could. Olivia was the result of a rape, how could she talk about this to her without expressing the disgust she felt at having the product of her own assault growing inside her; the last thing in the world she wanted to do was to alienate the person she respected most, and so she decided to keep that part to herself. Besides, soon there wouldn't be a pregnancy to deal with; she'd make sure of that! the two of them sat there and talked for a long time that night, Amanda cried until she had nothing left and at the end of their talk, she felt better, having gotten if off her chest.

"I should let you get home" Amanda said as she stood up.

"Will you be ok tonight?"

"I won't eat my gun, if that's what you're askin" Amanda answered, giving a weak smile that made Olivia smile as well. "Thank you for listening"

"Thank you for trusting me. And if you need me, I don't care how late it is; you pick up the phone.

"I promise. Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight Amanda."

* * *

.

**Amanda's POV**

I left the precinct feeling lighter than I had in months but still, the shadow of everything that had happened still hung over me. I agreed that I would definitely see a counselor so that I could learn to deal with what I'd gone through but the truth was, until I was rid of the spawn, there would be no getting better. I was glad that I'd taken some time away from work because I would need to focus on undoing this mistake I carried and as I made my way home, I thought of the one person I knew who could be of real use in doing it!

* * *

.

**JULIE'S DINER**

The following afternoon, Sara and I sat in my favorite diner picking over a salad that I couldn't bring myself to eat. I had called her to hopefully take my mind off things but so far, it wasn't working.

"Did it work?" she asked as she shoved another forkful of her own salad into her mouth.

"Did what work?"

"The DIY abortion you attempted." I looked at her in shock; how could she have known? "Oh please, like that lame assed excuse fooled anyone." I took a long pause before I answered, unable to look her in the eye.

"I guess I was too far along for it to work. I cramped and bled like hell for nothing!"

"How fucking pregnant are you?"

"Four months" I said as I felt the tears behind my eyes.

"Four months? First off, damn bitch, you're not even showing! Second, why didn't you handle this shit sooner?"

"Because, I just found out a few days ago; I need to go!" I said as I began gathering my things.

"I think I can help."

"Nobody can help me. And the only people who can, won't!"

"Because you're too far along; bastards! Who are they to decide? Look, I have a friend whose father is an obstetric doctor and not one of those back alley butcher motherfuckers; a good one. I called before I got here, said I had a friend in trouble and he agreed to talk to you."

"Why would you do that for me?"

"Because you're my main, we can't turn up with a baby hanging off your tit!"

"Please don't tell anyone."

"I didn't give him your name so make one up if you want but you have be discreet." She warned as she handed me his card. "This is his private number. Tell him you are Sara's friend. He'll be expecting your call."

"Thank you, Sara. I mean that."

"You won't want to thank me once you've met him. He's the type who does favors for favors if you know what I mean."

I didn't. "Favors for favors?"

"Look, before you make that call, you should know how bad you want this and how far you're willing to go to get it!"

"How far did you go?" She paused as if carefully considering her answer.

"You know me, I do what the fuck I gotta do!" She squeezed my hand before getting up and leaving.

I sat staring at the card in my hand for a moment, Sara's words replaying in my head. I'd deal with it later. Right now, I had an appointment to make! I wasted no time getting my phone from my purse, then dialing, making sure to block my number. The phone rang four times on the other end before a man answered. His voice was low and husky.

"Yes, this is Dr. Alon." He answered.

"Hi. I'm Sara's friend. She said you'd be expec-"

"You have the address, no?"

"Yes."

"The office will be empty by six. Come alone."

"Six o'clock. I'll be there." He hung up before I could say another word. Could it really be happening? Would I finally be able to put all of this behind me?

* * *

.

**DOCTOR ALON'S CLINIC**

The next few hours were agony. I tried to keep busy so as to pass the time faster but it insisted on dragging itself; minutes literally felt like hours. I got to the office five minutes before six. It sat on the corner, part of a cluster of incredible brownstone houses that lined the street. On the door, there was a sign with his name, hours, etc. I walked up the steps and stopped, taking a deep breath before I rang the bell. It was about thirty seconds before he appeared to answer. Through the glass panes in the double doors, I saw an older, white gentleman. He looked to be at least fifty-five. He opened the door and told me politely:

"I'm sorry, business hours are over."

"Yes, I know. We spoke on the phone. I'm…Sara's friend." I said nervously while taking him in. He was average height, completely gray and balding with a short boxed beard covering his very full face. He reminded me of Santa Claus but he quite mightily surpassed old St. Nick in the weight department!

"Right! Please, Come inside." He offered and stepped aside so that I could enter. He was still wearing his white coat but he was casually dressed underneath in chinos and a blue button-down shirt. After shutting and locking the door, he escorted me to his office where I put my coat and purse on one of the chairs in front of his desk and sat in the other. He shut the door before removing his lab coat and hanging it. He then took a seat behind his large mahogany desk. Having gotten a look at the place, I could see that this was no shoddy operation he had going. The place was elegantly decorated and I noticed his degrees hanging on the wall of the office, Columbia medical school graduate.

"Sara failed to mention what a beautiful young woman you are!"

"Thank you."

"Do you have a name?"

"It's…Denise, Denise Taylor." Since I had already used this name at the clinic and with Dr. Fornier, I figured I might as well Keep it! "Sara said you might be able to help me."

"Perhaps; Of course I'll need to examine you first. The examination room is through that door." He indicated one to the left of me. That was when I noticed his wedding ring. "Go inside, remove everything, there is a fresh gown on the table. I'll be with you shortly." He was crude but I was in no place to be picky right now; I would deal with whatever I needed to deal with to get this over with. I quickly stood and went into the exam room, wasting no time undressing and getting into the gown. He came into the room about 5 minutes later. I was completely nervous. I hadn't been touched by a man, even casually since that night at the party and I was not looking forward to this. He took a seat on the stool at the end of the table.

"How far along are you?"

"Four months."

"Let's have a look. Lie back, feet in the stirrups." I did as I was told, putting my feet into the stirrups but keeping my knees together.

"When did you last have intercourse?" he asked me this as he was putting on gloves. Why did he think this was relevant? A chill went through me and I pushed a terrible memory from my mind before answering.

"July 23rd." I would never forget that night as long as I lived.

"Spread your legs."

_You can do this! _I told myself as I closed my eyes and steadied my breathing. Again, I did as I was told and lay still, staring up at the ceiling.

"Relax. This won't take long."

"I'll try." It didn't take long. He did a quick pelvic exam and an ultrasound and was done in ten minutes. It wasn't completely terrible. Despite his gruff exterior, he was professional and quite gentle and managed to make me feel at ease the whole time. After he was done, he took a quick medical history then told me to dress and come back into his office.

"I could get into a lot of trouble for this but because you are a friend of Sara's, I'll help you."

_Did he just say what I thought he said?_

"You have no idea what this means to me!" I exclaimed as I shook from excitement. "How soon?"

"I'm closed on weekends, so if all goes well, I can do it on Saturday."

"…if all goes well?"

"…payment and such."

"Of course!" I sighed, relieved. "I didn't even ask how much!"

"Please, your money is no good here." He said as he got up from behind his desk and walked over to me, standing behind my chair.

"Then…?"

"I have other ways of collecting."

_Why did Sara have to be right about this?_ I suddenly felt sick but I had to keep my composure.

"Such as…?" I did not want to hear the answer to that question.

"Do you recall seeing a hotel just a few blocks from here? Right at the corner of – "

"I know the one you mean and yes, I do recall seeing it."

"Good. I want you to go there as soon as you leave this office. I keep a suite there and when I arrive this evening, I expect to find you waiting."

My heart sank. "Dr. Alon, please…"

"Call me Alex. Look, you can always say no but then, so can I. I'm sure you'll find another Doctor of my caliber to help you and not butcher your insides in the process."

"You know good and well that I won't!"

"Then I suggest that you act like you know it too!"

"I am begging you, don't make me do this! There has to be something else I can do"

"Sweetie, you are not being _made _to do anything. I am simply putting a choice in front of you." A tear slid down my cheek. We both knew that this was not a choice. He knew he had me. If I refused him where else could I go? He was my last hope. I swiftly wiped the tears that sprang from my eyes as I thought about the consequences of refusing him.

"I'll be there." I said, my voice thick with tears.

"Good! Shall we say eight o'clock?" he reached into his pocket and removed a key that he handed to me. I simply nodded as I hung my head and took it from him, defeated. "And be sure to discard your clothes before I arrive…I'm in no mood to fumble with them!"

I left the office in tears and walked around for a while in somewhat of a daze. _Was this really about to happen? It's not like I had a choice when the alternative was having an abomination continue to grow inside me. I couldn't allow it…I couldn't. I made a promise to myself that I would take whatever measures necessary to get rid of this thing; and I will._

* * *

_._

**THE PORTER HOTEL**

I got to the hotel just after seven PM. As I walked into the lobby, I had my head down and I ran into someone, dropping my bag and knocking his briefcase to the floor when we hit.

"I am so sorry!" I apologized, as I kneeled to pick everything up.

"It's alright, please, allow me." He said with a thick English accent as he picked up his briefcase and my purse and handed it back to me.

"Thank you." I said as I stood and looked up at him.

"My pleasure." He stared at me quizzically for a brief moment as if trying to see what was behind the shades I wore, then smiled. "Take care."

...

I went up to the suite and nervously waited. I undressed as I was told, and put on one of the hotel bathrobes. I was really going to do this. I had no other way. If I didn't sleep with him, he would turn me away. My heart was racing and my stomach was doing flips. I threw up. _You can stop this, just leave! _I heard my inner voice say to me. But I couldn't. If I didn't have this abortion, what would I do? I didn't want this pregnancy; my life was a complete circus right now and this was the only way to bring some normalcy back to it. _Calm down! _I looked at myself in the mirror. I didn't know who I was anymore.

Seven forty-three, I heard him enter the suite and slam the door shut. Then, I heard him calling my pseudonym from the bedroom. _SHIT!_

"Denise?" every nerve in my body went rogue. _You can do this, it's only sex! _I whispered to myself. _It will be over quick and then you'll have what you want. _A minute later he called to me again. I willed my legs to move and carry me into the bedroom where he had already stripped completely naked and was sitting on the bed in all his hugeness. My eyes were first appalled and then shocked by what they saw. There were acres of fat, hairy flesh all over the place, and so many folds! And his breasts; big, jiggling man boobs that lay just so on top of his massive belly, I was going to be sick again!

"You're a bit early." _Run Amanda!_

"It would be a shame to keep such a beautiful woman waiting."

_I get it, we're gonna pretend that I'm here because I want to be! I'm sure it's every woman's dream to have a morbidly obese senior citizen grunting and sweating all over her! _

"I don't mind waiting." As I stood off in the corner. He gave a hearty chuckle. _What the fuck is he laughing at?_

"Come here; let me take a look at you!"

_Didn't you see enough in your office? _I again willed my legs to move and with slow, deliberate steps I made my way across the room, stopping right in front of him. He hooked his fat finger under the belt on my robe and pulled me closer. My breathing quickened as he untied it and it fell open, exposing my nakedness. I wanted to be anywhere but there at that moment. He pulled me closer to him, so close that I could feel his breath on my skin. He put both hands on my waist and held me there in front of him as he kissed the space between my breasts. My skin crawled. He then ran his finger over the swell before pulling my nipple into his mouth, sucking it vigorously then pulling at it with his teeth. A small cry escaped my lips, my nipples were terribly sore and they last thing I wanted was to have them anywhere near his god-damn teeth! He pulled me down onto his lap while he sucked. I closed my eyes and as I felt his huge hand moving between my thighs, pushing them apart, I willed myself not to cry. He roughly shoved two fingers inside of me, moving them in as deep as he could while with his thumb, he was just as rough with my clitoris, rubbing against it like he was trying to sand it off! What happened to the hands that were so gentle in his office? _It doesn't matter. _I kept telling myself that it would be over soon and reminding myself of everything I had to gain.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT, LATER THAT NIGHT.**

Later I sat on the floor of my shower and cried. I couldn't believe what I'd just done. How could I have fallen so far? I couldn't force the images from my mind; it seems like it went onforever. I guess it didn't bother him that I cried the whole time – Sick, twisted pervert! I couldn't get out of there fast enough once he finally rolled off of me and reached for a cigarette. I quickly got out of the bed, his watery semen leaking out of me.

"_Leaving already?" _

"_It's late. I need to get home; I have an early day tomorrow." I said, wiping tears with the back of my hand._

"_There is an envelope on the bureau. Take it." I walked over to the dresser and with a shaky hand I picked up the envelope._

"_What is it?"_

"_A list of instructions and supplies you will need for after the procedure."_

"_So you'll do it?"_

"_I gave my word. Nine AM Saturday, if you're late don't bother coming! Now go, I need to sleep!" he ordered before taking a long drag from his cigarette. I gave a slight nod and turned away, heading straight to the bathroom to get dressed._

They say that the end justifies the means but, if that was true, why couldn't I stop crying? I could now add _whore_ to the list of terrible things I will always be! I felt like some kind of sick freak and my mind once again took me back to that night in Chad's room;

_Kip was on top of me and both his hands were around my neck squeezing tight. I was on my stomach while he took his turn. I still can't understand how or why my body chose to betray me at that moment but I had an orgasm and I was embarrassed beyond measure but the worst thing was that he knew when it was happening._

"_This slut is coming all over my cock!"_

"_Fuck her harder Bro!" One of them called to him while I pleaded with him again in a voice barely above a whisper._

"_Stop…please…stop" I could barely catch my breath. He plowed me even harder as they cheered him on and I exploded! I couldn't cry out but my body trembled as I clutched at the sheets, feeling him spill himself inside me. I closed my eyes, wanting to die from shame! I was not given time to come down before Kip pulled out and another of them took his place, pounding away even harder at me. He was much larger and I came again quickly! What the hell was wrong with me? First, I get off while being raped and now tonight I'm a whore? _

After brushing my teeth and climbing into bed, I sat there for a moment, thinking about what had happened tonight. I should have said no and walked away but I didn't. I chose to do what I did; that night in Chad's room, I had no control over it but this night – I _chose_! _Amanda, stop it! You did this as a means to an end! Soon, it will be over! _For the first time since finding out about my pregnancy, I rubbed my swollen abdomen. This situation was completely overwhelming to me and for the first time I wondered which of the seven had actually impregnated me. Whose child was I carrying? _Wow! That was one question that I never imagined I'd be asking myself._ I'd always dreamed of starting a family but not like this! I was supposed to one day fall in love and have children with someone special; children who were loved and wanted by us both but instead, here I am, pregnant by one of the seven men who raped me and I'm alone! Olivia's been trying to best to be here for me but she has so much to deal with in her own life with her own kid on the way and her and Brian not together. I'm a million miles from home and I miss my momma so much and I wish that I could be in my Daddy's arms right now and hear him say that everything will be okay because when he says it, he moves heaven and earth if need be to make it so! As if on cue my tears started again just as the phone rang. I quickly wiped them and answered.

"Hello?"

"Did you call him?" Sara asked

"Sara, yeah I um…"

"Soooo?" she asked

"Soooo, what?"

"Is he gonna scrape you or nah?"

"Saturday"

"So you let him fuck?"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

"dude no shame, we gotta use what we got to get what we want!"

"Sara…"

"Alright, alright! So I forgot to ask, who knocked you up?"

"Sara, it's late and I'm tired. Can we talk about this another time?"

"I'm just sayin! I got rid of mine because the daddies were broke; although I did get pregnant by Alex whn I was 16, but I didn't know any better then. Anyway, I hope you're not crazy enough to throw away a meal ticket."

"Goodnight Sara"

"Later bitch!"

I hung up the phone and turned out the light, settling into bed. I was so tired that I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.

...

When I woke up sometime late the next morning, I decided that I should probably go shopping for the supplies on the list that Dr. Alon had given me. It was just after one when I got back to my apartment. After putting my things away, I got my phone from my purse and was startled when it rang in my hand. I looked at the screen, quickly recognizing the number as Dr. Alon's. I stared at the phone. _What could he be calling for? The procedure wasn't for another two days, what if he was calling to tell me that he'd changed his mind? _With great hesitation I answered the phone.

"Dr. Alon, hello." I nervously greeted.

"Denise, I think we are far past formalities now. "

"Is something wrong?"

"No, not at all. Just…"

"Just…?"

"I was thinking that perhaps I hadn't collected sufficient payment last night; I'd like to see you again."

There was a dead silence on my end as a knot formed in my stomach.

"Denise? Are you there?"

"Yes, I'm here."

"I'm finishing up early today so let's say 6PM. I'll have dinner delivered to the suite if you like."

_GO TO HELL YOU FAT BASTARD! _Was what I wanted to scream into the phone but instead I just said: "That won't be necessary. I'll see you then." And I ended the call. Was I really going to do this for a second time? I cringed while my skin crawled at the thought of him touching me again but I knew that if I didn't do exactly as he said, he would change his mind. I had to play it smart. I would do whatever he demanded until the very moment I was on that table!

* * *

.

**THE PORTER HOTEL**

Five thirty. I got into the taxi that took me from my apartment to the hotel. Again, I had mixed feelings of nervousness and shame as I walked through the busy hotel lobby and straight to the elevators. The ride to the sixth floor seemed to go on forever but was in reality less than a minute. The doors opened and I got off, walking the familiar path through the corridor that would lead me to his suite. I got to the door and paused just as I was about to knock. I took a deep breath to compose myself and suddenly my mind replayed the disgusting things he did to me last night. I bit down on my lip as I felt a chill go through me. I looked at my watch, five-fifty-one. I forced those thoughts to go away and lightly rapped on the door to the suite…

Again, I hate myself. I am, again on my back in a damn hotel while this behemoth of a man violates me... _again! _I tried to avoid crying but I couldn't keep the tears at bay.

"Relax sweetie. Nothing will happen that you don't want to happen." He was right. This would not be happening if I didn't let it. Could it be that some part of me wanted this? I let that thought go as I saw his mouth coming toward mine. I quickly turned my head to avoid his kiss, while thinking how much I hated him and that if I didn't need him for the abortion, how I would love to plunge a knife into his gut and watch him bleed to death! He takes advantage of desperate women in dire situations. How does he live with himself?

Again, after it was over he rolled off and lit a cigarette and just like last time, I got the hell out of there with lightening speed!

* * *

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT, LATER THAT NIGHT**

At home, I got into a scalding-hot bath and again tried to scrub him off of me. When I could scrub no more I just sat there and continued to let my tears flow. _Never again! After this was over I would never be at the mercy of any man, ever again! _I splashed water on my face and shook my head to clear my thoughts as I heard my phone ringing and I reached over to the side of the bathtub and picked it up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, babydoll." I heard my mother's happy voice from the other end.

"Momma…hi, I um, I'm sorry I haven't called it's just…"

"I know, you're been busy up there in the big city, and it's okay. I just wanted to know if you'd decided on whether or not you'll be here for Christmas?"

_Christmas _I thought to myself. Christmas was always a big deal for our family and at that very moment, I realized just how homesick I was.

"Wow, momma you know, I've been so busy I hadn't had time to even think about the holidays."

"Yes, but it wouldn't be the same without ya here."

"I'll be there."

"You will?" I could hear the excitement in her voice."

"I have a few things to wrap up here first but I'll be there."

"Your daddy will be thrilled!" I smiled at the thought of my Daddy.

"I bet he will. I love y'all and kiss Daddy for me." I ended the call and noticed the time on my phone. Had a half hour passed already? I pulled the stopper and stepped out of the bath, pulling a towel from the rack to dry myself. As I blotted the water from my skin, I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror. Wow! Was all I could say; my belly, which just a few days ago was barely noticeable, was now quite pronounced, it was certainly obvious that I was pregnant – at least to me.

"And in thirteen hours, you won't be!" I said out loud to no one.

...

I went to bed early that night but with my mind racing and the tears that I couldn't stop crying. It took me over an hour to finally fall asleep. That night I had a dream. I was asleep in a beautiful all-white bedroom then I woke up to the sun shining through the windows and I gave a stretch and smiled, settling back against the many pillows that covered the bed. The door to the room opened and a beautiful little girl wearing a long, white gown ran inside and climbed up onto the bed.

"Hi." I said to her.

"Can we cuddle?" she asked. I had no idea who she was but I agreed.

"Sure, climb in!" At once she climbed in under the covers and snuggled up close to me, I put my arms around her and held her close, burying my nose in her long beautiful mane of blonde curls – she smelled of fresh Jasmine.

"Mommy, why do you hate me?" Shocked, I looked down at her.

"What did you call me?" She looked up at me with huge, sorrowful eyes.

"It wasn't my fault." she said and threw the covers over her head. I sat there for a moment, dumbfounded before I pulled back the covers but she was gone! I jolted awake, my hands immediately reaching for my little belly. I sat there in the dark as tears began to flood my eyes and I started to weep. I couldn't have it – that was the one thing I had been sure of but now I wasn't so sure. I had been allowing my hurt and anger and frustration to consume everything, but who was I kidding? She was never supposed to be! My mother always said that everything happens for a reason but there was no reason for this child to have been conceived; I didn't want her, her father, if I knew who he was would never claim her because to do so would mean admitting what he and his friends had done to me. She was an unspeakable shame; a mistake that no one would love and I would be doing her a favor by aborting her. Right or wrong, I had to do it.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried as I wrapped my arms around my middle. I cried for a long time that night until finally, I fell asleep.

The following morning I got up and showered and dressed. My head was still a mess from the night before but I didn't let it stop me. Again, almost instinctively I ran a hand over my bump then took a deep, nervous breath and exhaled. _You're doing the right thing. _I thought to myself. Then, as if the baby were protesting that very thought, I suddenly felt it move inside me for the first time! I gasped in total shock and it completely broke me down.

"YOU DON'T GET TO DO THIS TO ME!" I cried as I looked down at my belly. "I know that it's not your fault but you have to go. I'm sorry but, you have to go!" I said as tears trailed my face but there was no turning back now and I got my bag and headed off to the clinic.

* * *

.

**DOCTOR ALON'S CLINIC**

By the time I got there it was a quarter to nine and I was an even bigger mess than when I got up this morning, I was sobbing uncontrollably and I couldn't stop my hands or my knees from shaking. Dr. Alon seemed unfazed by my behavior. He very coldly directed me to the room where he would perform the procedure and ordered me to undress and put on a gown. Just as I reached for the string of my sweat pants, the baby moved again and I stopped cold.

"I can't do this!" I cried as I ran for the door.

"Then go home!" he calmly called after me, but obviously angry at my indecisiveness. I stopped just as my hand touched the doorknob. "Give birth, raise your bastard but whatever you choose, once you leave here I will have no further involvement! Do you understand?" he hissed.

I was silent for a moment as my tears fell. Could I walk out this door? Of course I _could _but then what? The fluttering continued inside me, one flutter…two flutters…three… It's almost like she knows and is trying to stop it from happening. I was so sure that this was what I wanted. Now, I don't know!

"Denise, my time is very valuable and you are wasting it considerably!"

"I'm sorry, I just, I need a moment. Where is the bathroom?" he sighed again. It was his nurse who told me to go down the hall to the right. My nerves were definitely getting the best of me and my stomach was now nervously churning. As soon as I entered the bathroom I threw up. For a moment I just stayed there on the floor by the toilet and cried with all my might. Finally, I got up and walked over to the sink, turning on the cold water and splashing my face with it.

"You can do this, Amanda. Just breathe." I told myself. The tears started again and now my hands were trembling even worse. My mind was racing! I didn't want to have to do this but I knew that I _had _to do this! Leaving here was not an option for me. I rubbed my small belly sorrowfully for a moment as my tears continued to fall. _I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry… _I frantically whispered over and over. _Please, just go to sleep. _ I begged, still rubbing my belly, hoping that she would hear me and stop moving. With immense apprehension, I slowly released my grip on the sink and turned towards the door.

"I'm ready." I said upon reentering the room, knowing that I was speaking a lie as the words fell from my lips. With great trepidation I walked across the room on shaky legs and undressed as I was told. Later, lying on the table, Dr. Alon was attempting to insert something into my cervix to dilate it. It hurt like hell and I cried out several times. The nurse was by my side, holding my hand and gingerly wiping the tears that were still sliding down the sides of my face.

"It's alright, it'll be over soon!" she said in a comforting voice. I swallowed the lump in my throat and took another deep breath as my tears continued to fall.

"Stop!" I demanded!

"This again?" Dr. Alon responded as he pulled whatever he'd been using out of me.

"I can't do it! I'm sorry" I cried as I got off of the table and ran across the room to grab my things.

"You dare waste my time like this?" he yelled angrily

"I shouldn't have come here!" I said as I quickly dressed, my eyes blurred from tears. I stepped into my Uggs and grabbed my bag "I'm sorry!" I apologized again before I ran out the door and kept running until I was out of there and even then, I still ran! I went several blocks before I stopped, unable to take another step. I sat down on the steps of the church that was behind me and I broke down sobbing.

_What the hell am I gonna do now?_

* * *

**What happens next? Amanda's is all over the place right now but do you think she made the right choice? Can't wait to see how it all unfolds. Love you guys, thanks for reading and remember to review. Until next time!**


	8. Hitting Bottom

**EIGHT CHAPTERS, WOW! I GOTTA BE HONEST AND SAY THAT I'M REALLY SURPISED THAT THIS STORY HAS BEEN SO WELL RECEIVED BUT I THANK YOU ALL FOR THE SUPPORT. THIS CHAPTER…IT'S DIFFICULT. AMANDA'S PAIN BEGINS TO CHANGE HER AND WELL, I WON'T SAY MORE EXCEPT THAT THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT;REALLY DIDN'T NEED MORE THAN WHAT'S HERE. DICK WOLF OWNS THE SVU CHARACTERS, THE REST ARE MINE.**

* * *

**.**

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT, SATURDAY MORNING, CONTINUED**

I walked through the door, shoulders sloped and defeat shadowing my soul. I had just done the absolute stupidest thing I'd ever done in my life! I tossed my bag into a corner and began peeling off my coat. I have no idea what to do now! I don't want this baby; any part of it. I hate its very existence, and if it weren't for the fact that it moved… I didn't ask for this, and though I'd been raised to believe that God knows what he's doing in giving me this cross to bear, the truth is, I don't believe it at all! I don't believe that anything that happened, is happening to me is for a reason other than God hates me and is punishing me.

* * *

.

**OLIVIA'S APARTMENT**

Olivia shifted beneath the heavy blue comforter that covered her bed; her eyes opening as her nose was assaulted with the smell coffee brewing.

_Nick must be up. _She thought to herself. They'd worked till two am last night and Nick insisted on seeing her home safely and decided to crash on her couch instead of taking the long drive to the Bronx when he was so exhausted.

The smell of coffee made her terribly nauseous; it had almost from the moment she'd conceived. Weeks before she'd even found out, coffee began to make her ill but right now, it was severe. She was salivating so much that her mouth literally felt as if it were filling with water and on top of the nausea, there was a dull ache in her stomach as she hopped out of bed and ran for the bathroom, retching violently as soon as she fell to her knees in front of the toilet.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT**

I threw myself onto my couch and sighed before I pulled my shirt up over my stomach and looked down at it. At least I wasn't showing very much. No one would know that I was pregnant unless I told them, and I had no plans on telling anyone! I wonder how much longer I'll be able to hide it?

"Hide it and then what?" I said to myself as tears spilled down my face. I didn't think this through; I got caught up in the moment and my emotions got the best of me! Maybe I could call Dr. Alon and tell him I made a mistake; if I let him put me to sleep… I quickly reached for my phone but just as quickly put it down. That man is a pig and I should have slapped cuffs on him, but I didn't.

* * *

.

**OLIVIA'S APARTMENT**

She hasn't stopped throwing up since she started a few minutes ago and because of it, her stomach is now contorting with painful cramps and she can barely catch her breath between them and the vomiting. Her stomach lurches for what she thinks is the final time and she vomits again but this time, she emits what looks like dark blood and there's lots of it she's panicking.

"What's happening?" She sobs as she tries to stand, but the cramping won't ease up and she doubles over as she clutches her belly

"NICK!" she screams in horror as she notices that there are now thick streams of blood running down her legs. From the kitchen, Nick jumps from where he sits at the counter when he hears her scream his name, nearly spilling his scalding hot coffee from its mug as he made a dash for her bedroom, rushing inside to find Olivia unconscious next to the bathroom door, lying in a pool of blood.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT**

"_It's alright, it'll be over soon!" _

"_Stop!" _

"_This again?" _

"_I can't do it! I'm sorry" _

"_You dare waste my time like this?" _

"_I shouldn't have come here!"_

Running out of that clinic, every step felt like a mistake. I should have marched out of that bathroom and done what I knew I needed to do; still know that I need to do. Who the fuck am I kidding? I can't keep this baby. I will resent it for the rest of its life; I already resent it but I'm too much of a coward to abort it. Why won't it just die? Just go to sleep and never wake again and let me have some peace?

"God please…PLEASE take it away!" I began praying "I'll be a better person, I'll do everything right, I'll even go back to church just please, please take it away!"

I prayed hard, harder than I ever have but I guess God's not interested.

* * *

.

**MERCY HOSPITAL**

"Liv, I'm so sorry" Nick apologized.

"Nick…please, just…stop. I can't hear another 'I'm sorry' I can't…" she took a deep, shaky breath.

"I'm sorry…I mean" he didn't know what to say "can I do something? Can I call somebody? I could try to get Cassidy again."

they were both shocked to find out after their breakup that she was pregnant and she was even more shocked when he told her that he didn't want to be a father.

"_I'll help with whatever you need for it; child support or…but I can't do the whole daddy thing Liv, I'm sorry._

"Don't. " she said, her eyes again filling with tears that she refused to cry in front of Nick. "I just wanna be alone right now"

"Maybe that's not the best…"

"Nick, I'm fine…please just go."

His heart was breaking as he looked over at her. After a long silence where she refused to make eye-contact with him, she picked up his coat.

"If you need me…" he started, she nodded, still looking away from him. He squeezed her shoulder before leaving the room. the very second the door closed, her tears spilled and she began sobbing in deep, choking gasps, her hand pressed against her mouth as her cries shook her.

Out in the hall, Nick stood by her door. He could hear her crying inside and it killed him because he just wanted to put his arms around her and tell her that everything would be ok. He had no intention of going anywhere. Someone needed to be her for her no matter how much she said that she didn't need it. He was thankful that he had today off because he planned to spend it right here in this hospital.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT, EARLY EVENING**

"Are you out of your god damn mind?" Sara yelled as she walked into my apartment.

"Hello to you too" I said, closing my door.

"Could you not? That fat bastard has been ringing my shit off the hook all day because of you!"

"All I did was leave!"

"Without the fucking abortion!"

"I couldn't go through with it."

"Because?"

"I felt it move and I lost my nerve." I said as I sat down on the sofa."

"You got a golden ticket to the chop shop and threw it away over some sentimental bullshit? I expected better from you…unless the father does have some coin and you wanna get paid"

"I'm not fucking having it I just…I couldn't do it _that _way!"

"So then…?"

"I DON'T KNOW! I didn't think that far ahead!" I yelled.

"If you change your mind, I could talk to him for you, but you gotta be sure this time."

"I don't wanna think about any of this right now. Where are we going tonight?"

"We?" Bitch, you haven't gone anywhere with me in months!"

"Yeah well, I had a dry spell and now I'm over it!"

"What's gotten into you lately?"

"A big old dose of reality. My life is fucked no matter what I do so why not speed up the process? We going out or not?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"I don't give a shit as long as there's liquor!"

...

Sara and I hit the club and I let go. I partied hard and I drank till I threw up then drank some more. Just because I couldn't lay on a table and let this thing be ripped out of me piece by piece, didn't mean that I cared for it any more than I did when I found out I was carrying it. i don't know how I got home that night but when I woke up the next morning, I was naked and lying on top of some guy who was equally naked and I didn't care; not just about the fact that I had brought a stranger home and slept with him, no, I'm done giving a damn! I think I will ask Sara to get the fat man to give me another chance but right now, as I reach for the half-empty bottle of vodka by my bed, my only thought is to wake up the man beneath me and let him fuck my inner turmoil away!

* * *

.

**I know, I know…I'm evil. Don't shoot me.**


	9. Unglued

**BACK WITH CHAPTER NINE, AND I KNOW THAT I UPSET YOU GUYS WITH OLIVIA'S MISCARRIAGE BUT YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN EVEN MORE SHOCKED AND DISMAYED WITH THE ALTERNATIVE…TRUST ME. I DID THIS FOR YOU ALL. I WANTED TO ADDRESS A REVIEW I GOT THAT SAID HOW SICK THEY ARE OF AMANDA ACTING CRAZY; I'M SORRY YOU FEEL THAT WAY. SHE IS THE VICTIM OF A VIOLENT, BRUTAL RAPE FROM WHICH SHE IS TRYING TO RECOVER. THIS ISN'T SOMETHING SHE KNOWS HOW TO LIVE WITH, EVER EXPECTED TO LIVE WITH. HER MIND AS WELL AS HER EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE. YOU DON'T GO BACK TO NORMAL AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THIS AND I WANTED TO KEEP THAT ASPECT OF THE STORY AS REAL AS POSSIBLE. PLUS, DEALING WITH A PREGNANCY THAT RESULTED FROM THAT ATTACK; SHE'S NOT OK AND HER BEHAVIOUR IS NOT WILLFUL. THAT BEING SAID, DICK WOLF OWNS THE CHARACTERS, EXCEPT THE ONES I CREATED.**

* * *

**.**

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT, SUNDAY MORNING CONTINUED**

The bottle slipped from my fingers before I could put it to my lips and for some reason, I lay there on top of the stranger, watching obsessively as the bottle fell to the floor and its contents began spilling; flowing, taking everything until the bottle was empty, save a few drops. That's when I noticed the soreness between my legs; I couldn't remember the last time I'd woken up like this. I felt a tear make its way down my cheek as a hand gripped my ass, shaking me from my thoughts. The stranger beneath me had awakened and judging by his erection that was pressing against my stomach, he was ready to continue what we'd started last night and I felt panic rising from the pit of my stomach at his touch. Suddenly, my plan to fuck my turmoil away seemed frightening.

Before another thought could register, we had reversed positions and I was lying on my back beneath him and his mouth was on my neck, nipping and sucking while his fingers found their way between my legs and began rubbing my clit. I wanted to vomit.

"Stop" I breathed out barely a whisper as I squirmed beneath him.

"Good morning to you too" he smiled as he looked up at me before crashing his mouth over mine. I broke the kiss, turning my head away as my hands pushed against his chest.

"I said stop"

"What's that baby?" he asked as he again busied himself with my neck. He then pulled at my nipple and I could feel his erection at my entrance and I lost it.

"Stop…GET OFF ME!" I began screaming frantically, he quickly pulled away and sat up on his knees.

"What the fuck? I'm not gonna hurt you!" he said but I was beyond comprehension at the moment.

"I'm a cop" I cried as I shook violently, tears flying as I backed away from him "I'm a cop…" I repeated again, this time to myself.

"You're fucking psycho!" he said as he got out of bed and began putting on his clothes.

"Just get out!" I screamed as I clutched the bed sheet to my body to cover my nakedness.

"I'm already leaving!" he said as he grabbed his jacket and headed out of my bedroom as I followed him. he got to the apartment door, stopping when his hand was on the knob. "get some help, you're way too hot to be a headcase!" and he left, slamming it behind him. I ran from where I stood in the middle of the living room and locked the door, leaning against it as I sank to the floor and sobbed. What was happening to me?

* * *

.

**OLIVIA'S APARTMENT**

She practically had to threaten Nick to get him to leave after he brought her home this morning and he'd only agreed after making sure that she was tucked into bed and making her swear to call him if she needed anything. Now, she lay in bed with the curtains drawn, shutting out any light that might enter. She wished that the darkness would absorb her in this moment; anything to stop the pain in her heart.

"_These things just happen sometimes without reason. It's nothing you did wrong." The doctor told her. She'd cried as it was happening. There was no heartbeat by the time they'd gotten her to the hospital and though her mind screamed 'no', she was powerless to stop her body from doing what it knew it needed to do and in two quick, yet agonizing pushes it was over and the room fell silent as her baby was expelled from her womb and into the world where he never took a breath. She was devastated as she held his little body in her hand – at only 11 ounces, all of him fit perfectly within her palm…_

She inhaled a deep, sharp breath through her nose, sitting up as she shook herself from her thoughts and slowly exhaled, swatting away the tears that fell from her eyes then ran her hands through her hair.

_You can do this, Olivia! _she told herself as her phone rang. Annoyed, she picked it up but quickly answered when she saw that it was Rollins and heard crying from the other end as soon as she did.

"Amanda?"

"I'm sorry, I didn't wanna bother you but I didn't know who else to call."

"No, no it's okay, you did the right thing. What's wrong?" There was a long pause on the other end as she listened to the young detective sobbing.

"I don't know what I'm doin anymore…I feel like I'm losin my mind!"

"Tell me what happened"

"I um…I woke up with a guy in my bed; I don't remember bringin him home. I was, I was um…"She broke off, crying so hard, she was choking on her tears. "I was really upset last night; I went out and got drunk and we had sex, I can't remember…"

"Amanda"

"He wanted to again this morning, I thought I wanted to but when he started touching me I freaked out…he didn't hurt me; he left when I asked him to…Liv, I can't do this anymore."

"Amanda listen to me"

"No." the blonde cried, shaking. "it's not worth it. Everything's wrong! I can't go back, I can't fix it!" this alarmed Olivia enough that she threw back her covers and pulled herself out of bed and made her way to the dresser, pulling sweats from the drawer.

"You made a bad judgment call, it's not the end of the world"

"It's not just that…I'm sorry, I shouldn't have called you; this was a mistake.

"Where are you?" Olivia asked but Amanda just continued sobbing "Rollins WHERE ARE YOU?"

"Home…but you don't have -"

"I'm on my way!" Olivia said and ended the call, tossing her phone onto the bed before she stepped inside the bathroom.

* * *

.

**AMANDA'S APARTMENT**

Thirty minutes later and Olivia was knocking on Amanda's door…

"You didn't need to come" Amanda said as Olivia walked inside following her into the living room. Amanda couldn't help but notice how pale and tired Olivia looked, but just assumed it to be morning sickness.

"I told you I'd be here if you need me; and you need me." Olivia said as she took off her coat, wincing at the sudden movement. Her ribs were still sore from vomiting so much the day before.

"Can I get you anything?"

"Just water please." Olivia asked, her voice weak and tired. Amanda went to the kitchen and entered the living room seconds later with a tall glass of water that she handed to Olivia and took a seat on the other end of the sofa.

"Thank you." Olivia took a long drink of the cool liquid before sitting the glass down on the table in front of the sofa, immediately regretting it as soon as it hit her still sore stomach.

"You didn't sound too good." She said to Amanda

"You ever just feel like runnin away?"

"You'd be surprised." Olivia staved off her own tears as Amanda's started to flow.

"I can't seem to get it together"

"Amanda, it's a process; you just need to give yourself time."

"I don't have the luxury of time." She couldn't look at Olivia and instead, looked straight ahead as she chewed her top lip, tears falling fast.

"What does that mean?"

"It means I don't have any fight left. I'm goin from one extreme to the next and I'm tired! I didn't want this, I didn't ask for this but it's all I have; it's all I am..."

"Stop! you are better than this; you are more than this and you are certainly stronger than this! Nobody asks for this to happen to them; not me, not you, not the victims we see every day but we bear it. And yes, it's hard and it's frightening but you can't give up" Rollins stood up and began pacing the room, suddenly feeling nauseous

"I've tried"

"What about the crisis counselor I recommended?"

"I've picked up the phone a million times to call…I can't…"

"It's ok."

"It's not, and it won't be" she rubbed her stomach attempting to calm the nausea and took a deep, nervous breath "Liv, I'm p…" Her confession was interrupted when noticed how sick Olivia looked.

"Liv are you ok?"

"I'm fine."

"You're not. Let me take you home."

"Rollins- "

"Liv please, I need to feel like I can do something right and you don't look well." After a brief silence, Olivia relented.

"Ok."

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**OLIVIA'S APARTMENT**

**Amanda's POV**

Olivia had gotten into bed while I went to the kitchen to make tea, and now sat with her as she sat up, slowly sipping the hot liquid.

"You feel a little better?"

"A little, thank you." Olivia said as she sat the mug on the nightstand and relaxed against the pillows propped up behind her.

"Good."

"You were about to tell me something at your apartment."

"It's not important." I said.

"Amanda…"

You got enough to deal with right now, you don't need more of my shit weighin on you! I'm gonna go and let you get some rest. You can't be gettin sick with that little one dependin on you!" I noticed that Olivia's eyes suddenly filled with tears.

"There is no little one"

"What are you talkin about?" I asked, suddenly confused. Nothing could have prepared me for what she said next.

"I lost the baby."

My I could feel it as my heart cracked clean down the middle!

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**Does Olivia's revelation give Amanda some perspective? Let's hope. Please take a second to leave review, it inspires me to update faster. Until next time.**


	10. Decisions

**CHAPTER TEN. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'VE DONE THREE UPDATES IN ONE WEEK. WELL, THERE ISN'T MUCH TO SAY HERE. DICK WOLF IS DICK WOLFING US ALL BY HOLDING UP NEGOTIATIONS TO #RENEWSVU BUT THE CHARACTERS ARE HIS SO I HAVE TO GIVE CREDIT. ENJOY.**

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**AMANDA'S APARTMENT **

I stayed with Olivia the entire day, only leaving when she'd finally fallen asleep. I can't believe how utterly cruel life could be. She'd wanted that baby desperately but lost it, yet here I am, I can't get rid of this one no matter how hard I try!

I got home that night and all I wanted was a drink but I didn't do it, my head was too heavy and my exhaustion was setting in. I'd been having a thought running through my mind all day; one that I didn't even need to question myself about because I knew in my heart that it was right. The problem was executing it, but I would figure it out tomorrow, I promised myself as I climbed into bed falling fast asleep only to be terrorized by another nightmare.

_I was standing in a long, empty corridor and the same beautiful little girl I'd seen in another dream appeared in front of me, looking up at me with big, sad eyes and then running away. I ran after her just in time to see her run into one of the doors at the end of that long corridor and the door closed behind her. When I finally reached the door, I opened it to see myself on a bed being raped all over again only, I was very heavily pregnant. I was being held down by some of them while the others violated me. I stood in the doorway watching this grotesque scene and after a moment, while his hand gripped my throat and he continued to ravage my other self, Chad looked over at the me in the doorway and with the most evil expression in his cold blue eyes, he said "Admit it, bitch, you loved it!" and then proceed to plunge a jagged edged knife into the pregnant belly of my other self._ At that point, I startled awake screaming, my heart beating fast and hard as my hands flew to my stomach and I nearly hyperventilated there in the dark. Before I hastily got out of bed and peeled of my pajamas as I made my way to the bathroom, quickly turning on the hot water in the shower and scrubbing myself even more meticulously than I'd done after the stranger had left my apartment this morning.

...

I found myself in the kitchen moments later attempting to drink a glass of water but my stomach was upset and I couldn't get it down

"Damn this!" I said out loud to myself. I keep seeing the assault over and over in my dreams but this one had to be the worst!

I turned off the kitchen light and made my way back to my bedroom. 1:17am blinked from the bedside clock. I stripped the linens from the bed and put on fresh ones, then proceeded to scrub the entire room, top to bottom and did the same with the bathroom. By 4am, I had cleaned the entire apartment and now sat on my sofa with my feet propped up on the coffee table, drumming my fingers on top of my tiny bump and I couldn't help but think about Olivia

_The doctor said that even in healthy pregnancies, sometimes it just…happens._

"It happened to the wrong one!" I said out loud just as I felt the spawn move inside me.

"Please stop! Why can't you just lay low until you're out?" I begged but the fluttering continued "look…I'm sorry if you think I'm a terrible person; I'm really not. It's just, you weren't part of my plan…not that I planned it to ever happen the way it did, but it did and I'm ever gonna be able to get past that fact; but I know somebody who can. She will love you with everything she has…I promise. You won't know about me and it's best that way because, you and me, we don't need each other. You'll have her and that'll more than make up for everything I can't be to you…I'm just not strong enough."

I knew from the very moment I left Olivia's apartment, what I wanted to do; I just needed to wait for the right time to put it in front of her.

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**TWO WEEKS LATER**

I decided that if I was going to do this, I had to get my attitude in check and that meant prenatal care. I had to make sure that this thing was healthy if I was going to carry it to term and I started seeing an obstetrician. I was thankful to find out that all the shit I'd done hadn't harmed it and I made a vow to do everything the doctor told me as long as I carried. I still didn't know if Olivia would even be receptive to this but if she was, I would make damn sure that I gave her a healthy kid!

I headed home after stopping to pick up my prenatal vitamins and my phone began ringing the second I got in the door.

"Sara"

"It's been two weeks, weren't you supposed to call me about a certain procedure?"

"Oh, that"

"So you in or nah?"

"Um…nah."

"The fuck? Did you lose it?"

"No, it's here I just…I'm gonna have it."

"Why?"

"I'm giving it up for adoption"

"Let me get this straight; you're gonna traumatize your cooch, get stretch marks and leaky tits so someone else can be mommy?""

"I didn't expect you to get it."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means that you're not the most selfless person I've ever met." I said as I began looking through the mail I had put on the counter.

"Fuck selfless! It is ALL about the Sara; besides, that loving and giving bullshit is way overrated! I gave a bum a dollar once, he didn't even say thank you…filthy fuck!"

I couldn't believe my eyes when I'd gotten halfway through the stack.

"Wow!"

"Hey, I'm just tellin it like it is and you need to lose that conscience, shit's gonna do you in one day! I swear Mandy, sometimes I wonder how the hell we're even friends!"

"You know, I wonder the same thing lately." Which was true; the more time I'd been spending with Liv, Sara was becoming less and less interesting to me

"Whatever, bitch! Anyway, my dick's here, call you tomorrow!"

I ended the call and looked again at the envelope in my hand; Federal Bureau of Investigation. I had been trying for the better part of the past year trying to get in; tests, interviews, psych evaluations and then nothing. I hadn't heard a word since 2 weeks before the night of my…and now here I am with a letter in my hand. I took a deep breath before I opened the envelope and with a shaky hand, removed the letter.

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**SIXTEENTH PRECINCT LATE EVENING**

It was just after ten when I walked into the squad room and was surprised to be greeted by Fin who was on his way out.

"Fin, hey!"

"Hey partner, long time no see!" he said as he pulled me into a big hug.

"Missed you too, you headin home?"

"No such luck, DV call. We'll catch up later

"Liv in her office?"

"You know Liv, never slows down" he said as he turned to leave. I took a look around the squad room before heading to Liv's office. Gotta say, I really miss being here.

I knocked on the door as I opened it and stepped inside to Olivia going over case files at her desk. Two weeks after the miscarriage and she still looked worn out.

"Got a minute?" I asked

"I could use a break" she said as she got up from her desk and perched herself on the front of it as I took a seat in one of the chairs. "What's going on?"

"Um a couple of things" I said as I handed her the letter

"You got in!" she exclaimed as she read the letter. "Congratulations!"

"Thanks, I start training in six months."

"I'll hate to see you go, we'll miss you around here."

"I'll miss bein here."

"Maybe a fresh start is just what you need." She said as she handed the letter back to me.

"I hope so. But hey, six months is still pretty far off…Liv, I um need to talk to you."

"I'm listening"

"I've been thinking…about um…you've help me so much with; even while you've been dealing with…" I was a stammering mess as I sat fidgeting with my hands

"Amanda it's ok. You can say it, I won't break."

"I just…you deserve some happiness and I was thinking; more wondering…" I took a deep breath "I want you to meet someone.

"Now?" she asked, her eyebrow raised. I nodded nervously as I handed her the picture from my purse.

"Who's this?" she asked before she had a chance to turn the picture over and look at it.

"Your daughter…" I replied just as she looked at the picture, shock and confusion registering on her face.

"I don't understand" her eyes were filled with tears and I began to cry as well.

"Liv I'm pregnant and I want you to have her."

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**There. The secret's out. Happy now? Good. Show me some appreciation in the reviews, I love hearing from you guys, good or bad. Until next time my friends. Thanks for reading!**


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